Just as there are many exotic animals in the wild (our favorite is the blobfish), there are many types of students who wait in line for “food” at 11:13 AM in a college cafeteria. It takes gumption, guts, and guerrilla warfare tactics to survive the early lunch, but the few and the proud who brave the perils of the dining hall set an example for the rest of us (who are eating Easy Mac out of a binder and using a Sharpie as a fork). Who are these early risers? There are four types.
1. The Eager Beaver: First in line every single day, this student has been waiting outside the locked cafeteria doors for 3 hours, equipped with a folding chair, a copy of Crime and Punishment, and a backpack large enough to summit the Matterhorn. Picture him, if you will: ID card at the ready, eyes fixed upon the Grape Nuts, his entire body ready to pounce. Without fail, he’ll carefully select the choicest of the grapefruit halves and pair it with a side of congealed yogurt, then sprinkle both liberally with wheat germ. In 40 years, he will be first in line to get his Early Bird discount card at Denny’s.
2.The Lightning Bolt: Also known as the “Sultan of Speed,” she has a class at 11:30 AM, and is therefore poised to mow down any and every obstacle in her way in order to reach the omelet chef before the rest of the crowd. This student prides herself on her ability to scarf down a triple-decker ham sandwich while mid-sprint, and eats so efficiently that the people seated around her tend to develop inferiority complexes.
3.The Connoisseur: Though his first class doesn’t start until 4pm, this student likes to get to the cafeteria as early as possible in order to sample the best that collegiate cuisine has to offer. He’s memorized the contents of the salad bar, knows the chocolate-chip-to-walnut ratio in every dessert, and is more familiar with the strengths of the cooking staff than he is with his friends’ first names. For him, there’s no such thing as Tuesdays and Thursdays; there’s just two Stir Fry days a week.
5.The Slumberjack: Clad in flannel pajamas and blessed with perpetual bedhead, this sleepwalker strolls up to the dining hall after hitting the snooze button 28 times. He saunters over to the cereal bar, takes the last of the Cap’n Crunch, and high-fives himself while balancing three glasses of chocolate milk on his tray. He usually falls asleep halfway through his meal, and it takes him two hours to finish one blueberry muffin.
Which cafeteria character are you?
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