One of my jobs is nannying. I earn a little less than minimum wage, but there are perks—like the parents paying me to take their offspring to Toy Story 3, and getting to spend all day lazing around. However, the boys I watch remind me a little of demons straight from the bowels of the underworld. To preserve the secret identities of these devil children, I'll give them ridiculous new names. Faquarl is 13. You'd think he'd be able to take care of himself by now, but he happens to have ADD. Jabor is 11, and has red hair, like me! This doesn't make us soulmates, though. He's a violently-inclined punk. Nouda is 9, and likes to alternate between being a sweet, adorable little kid, a violently-inclined punk, and an unreasonable screaming archfiend. Can you tell that I've been re-reading the Bartimaeus trilogy for the fourth time?
Here's a typical day:
12:00- Pick up Faquarl and Nouda from summer school (which is really like summer camp). Where is Jabor?
12:07- Find Jabor with his friends skateboarding by the side of the school. Make him pull up his shorts—there is no reason his boxers should be showing.
12:11- Endure a surprise Chinese fire drill at the stoplight. None of the kids are hurt, so I only mildly berate them.
12:17- Nouda almost tries another Chinese fire drill on the bypass. Berate him less mildly.
12:22- Faquarl tries to put Jabor in a headlock from the front seat.
12:23- Successfully break up the first fight of the day.
12:25- Drive with my knees while stopping Jabor from retaliating.
12:30- Arrive at their house at last!
12:42- Make lunch (hot dogs today! Score!) while letting them watch TV.
12:50- Become thoroughly distracted by the antics of Sam and Freddy. Please don't tell anybody about how much I love iCarly, ok?
1:00- Lunch time! Break up fight number two—this time a tussle about who gets to sit in the tall chair.
1:03- Stop Jabor from trying to beat Nouda over the head with the tall chair.
1:10- Pretend to clean up while actually watching another iCarly episode over their shoulders.
1:30- Suggest going outside to play Capture the Flag. Faquarl wants to stay inside with his DS, Nouda will only go if he wins every round, and Jabor is (literally) ready to drag them outside kicking and screaming.
2:03- Tfter breaking up no fewer than six arguments/spats/fights/brawls, decide that Capture the Flag was a bad idea.
2:15- Try getting them to color. I like coloring.
2:26- Try not to cry when Jabor points out that I colored outside the lines a little bit.
2:30- Attempt to get them to play hide and go seek. Kids like playing that, right?
2:52- Get sick of being "it" round after round.
2:58- Suggest that they play Legos, a personal favorite of mine (I have a REALLY cool x-wing fighter at home).
3:02- Legos is a success! Pat self on back.
3:13- Stop Faquarl from strangling Nouda when his truck mysteriously breaks.
3:15- Herd them downstairs to play Call of Duty! Theoretically, this should let out some pent-up anger.
3:31- Pwn those n00bs.
3:32- Try to explain to Nouda why letting him win would defeat the purpose of the game. Fail at this.
3:33- Watch him have his tantrum. These are impossible to stop. It's like when an immovable object meets a definitely-stoppable force.
3:52- Fetch him from the the corner of the bathroom when he's done.
3:53- Turn off the PS3 when Jabor calls Faquarl a d*****bag for killing him three times in a row.
3:55- Break up the ensuing brawl.
4:00- Have a small panic attack when their mom doesn't arrive.
4:02- Hear the garage door. Exhale slowly and gratefully.
Ginger's song of the week: Does anyone else like jazz? If you know jazz at all, you probably know Oscar Peterson. If you don't normally listen to jazz, PLEASE try this—I'm surprised the piano didn't go up in flames. Oscar Peterson is so good that his songs don't even have names. They are the auditory embodiment of pure talent.
Do you nanny?
Related post: Earning Money to Go to School to Earn Money (Part 1)