How To Make Eggs (and Gain Your Independence)
mj_adams, we totes didn't know how to make eggs before reading this. You just saved our lives (and our culinary careers).— Sparkitors
It’s the summer before your first year of college. Your family knows you'll be leaving to start life in the dorms soon, and everyone is acting weird. You father is full of serious talks about politics, the economy, and peer pressure; your older siblings are brimming with horror stories about their college days; and your younger siblings are acting even clingier than usual. But no one, and I mean NO ONE, is being as ridiculous as your mom.
She’s somehow got it into her head that you’re incapable of taking care of yourself and surviving on your own, and she combats her dread of your imminent departure by doing ev-er-y-thing for you. You need to prove to her that you’re ready to spread your wings and fly the coop, and you can do that by making your own breakfast.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and cooking a healthy one will prove to your mom that you can handle your upcoming independence. An example of a healthy breakfast is a couple of scrambled eggs, an orange, a whole wheat bagel, and a glass of milk. An example of an unhealthy breakfast is 14 chocolate chip smiley face pancakes and a Red Bull.
Do begin by taking out a small skillet. This is the small round pan with a handle. The edges of this pan are about 1 to 2 inches high. If your pan is deeper than that, then it’s a saucepan, not a skillet.
Don’t use a saucepan. Especially as a weapon. They're ungainly and hard to throw.
Do lightly spray your pan with cooking oil to keep the eggs from sticking.
Don’t coat the pan in hairspray or WD-40.
Do break the eggs into a small bowl and throw away the shells.
Don’t let any of the egg shells fall into the bowl. This is an egg-making faux pas. And don’t drink the raw eggs. You aren't Rocky Balboa.
Do scramble the eggs with a whisk or a fork. (A whisk is that weird-looking roundish thing that’s made out of a whole bunch of curved wires. It has a handle and it’s… you know what? Just use a fork.)
Don't try to scramble your eggs by shaking them while they’re still in their shells. This won’t work out the way it does in your head.
Do place the skillet on the burner and set it to medium heat, then dump the contents of the bowl into the skillet. Use a spatula to swirl them around until they aren’t liquid anymore. They should look like a yellow, sloppy, solid mess.
Don’t leave the eggs to cook unsupervised. They will burn. The house will burn. You will be grounded forever.
Do use the spatula to scoop the eggs onto a plate when they’re done.
Don’t eat them out of the pan like an animal.
Do season the eggs with salt and pepper.
Don’t season them with hot fudge. Or cold fudge. Lukewarm fudge is acceptable.
Do complete your breakfast with a glass of milk, a bagel, and an orange (if you can’t figure out how to peel an orange, use an apple).
Don’t think for one second that Cherry Pepsi counts as a serving of fruit.
Do clean up the kitchen when you’re finished.
Don’t leave with the kitchen looking like you introduced a dozen eggs to a dozen firecrackers. Also, don’t test what would actually happen if an egg were introduced to a firecracker. Just don’t think about firecrackers.
Wait, so what's a whisk? Can you make scrambled eggs without bursting into tears?
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