Auntie SparkNotes: Education Ultimatums

Dear Auntie SparkNotes,
I'm a high school student and recently I've stumbled upon a most grave problem. My grades are excellent (straight As for as long as I can remember), I participate in a wide variety of extracurricular activities, and I'm an all-around good student. Unfortunately, I'm screwed. My mom says she won't help me pay for college in any way, "a single dime" in her words, unless I major in something with a big job market. And she said the only ones acceptable are medicine (optometrist, pediatrician, or a nurse) and engineering. But I would honestly rather get a job I like and retire a little later than work a crappy job I hate and retire in 15 years. When I told her I'd rather pursue a career that actually interests me, she said I was "too young to know what you want to do for a living, and much too young to even know what your interests are" (DIRECT QUOTE!). I don't know what to do for the rest of my life if my mom won't support my choices.

Whoa, whoa, whoooooooa. Before we go any further, Sparkler, let's get you a bit of perspective. Because contrary to popular belief, your college major does not dictate the course of your post-college life—and in fact, there's a good chance that your course of study and your eventual career will be only distantly related, or (gasp!!!) not related at all. (This has been a public service message from the department of I Still Don't Know Why I Majored In French.)

So while you're absolutely justified in being frustrated by your mom's my-way-or-no-pay dictum, please realize that what's at stake here isn't The Rest of Your Life. Your mom can withhold funding for your education, but there is a point (usually sometime after your eighteenth birthday and before your college graduation) at which her approval goes from "absolute necessity" to "not required, but nice to have." Once you're an adult, you're free to choose whatever career you want. And if your mom doesn't support that choice, you can—in keeping with the longstanding tradition of Independent Adults With Unsupportive Parents—politely but firmly tell her to go pee up a rope.

In the meantime, though, you do have your college aspirations to contend with—as well as your mom's unfortunate insistence that you're too young to know what your interests are. (For the record: yes, that's ridiculous, and no, I don't know why some adults can't wrap their heads around the difference between "teenage human being" and "glob of unbaked dough.") Because while you probably don't know for sure what you want to do for a living—and that's true not only for most high school students, but also for many people twice your age—you're certainly old enough to know, broadly, what you're into and where your skills lie.

So, what can you do? Well, there are scholarships and loans that can help you pay your way through school yourself. (Assuming, of course, that you're not interested in medicine or engineering.) But if you want your mom's support—financial or otherwise—then your best bet is to try showing her that your preferred course of study won't inevitably lead to unemployment, poverty, and (horror of horrors) an eventual return to her home for the better part of your twenties. Which means that now, it's time to do your homework.

And also, that your plans to major in ceramic sculpture, however well-intentioned, will have to be put on hold.

Step 1: Research. As previously mentioned, you might not know what you want to do for a living—but you probably do have a pretty good idea of what you like, what you're good at, and what interests you. So get on the internet, and spend some time googling "careers for [insert your strengths and interests here]." Get some concrete ideas about where you might end up in ten years. And whatever you'd like to major in—humanities, sciences, business, whatever!—look at the careers that it leads to, and see how those line up with the industries (like healthcare, education, and technology) that are poised for growth.

Step 2: Understand your mom's point of view. To you, it seems like she's blackmailing you into a career field that doesn't interest you—but your mom probably feels scared for your future, and thinks she's just doing her best to make sure you succeed. Is fixating on a bizarrely narrow group of jobs and then threatening you with the loss of her support the best way to go about it? No. But showing her that you get where she's coming from will be a good faith demonstration of your maturity, and it'll help set the stage for a conversation in which you try to find some middle ground.

Step 3: The convo. As with any difficult parental conversation, it is vital that you stay calm, cool, and non-shouty. Ask your mom to talk, and then say something like, "I understand that you're concerned for my future, and that you want to make sure I have a good job when I graduate from college. I care about that, too. But I also know that a career in the sciences isn't for me, and I'd like to talk about some other options." (Which, for the record, can be true no matter how good a student you are. Not every smart person makes a good doctor or engineer.) And then, present her with your research—and explain how the course of study you'd like to pursue will make you eminently employable come 2017.

Hopefully, your mom will be impressed enough with your initiative and maturity to acknowledge that a bright future and a career in something other than medicine aren't mutually exclusive. (And if she doesn't buy it, a joint meeting with a guidance or college counselor might be a good way to get some objective feedback on your situation.)

But if she won't give in, don't give up—because where a convo might not help, a couple years, a little distance, and the perspective gained from going to college (where you can explore your educational options without having to declare a major for at least a year) almost certainly will.

Have you had a parent-college conflict? Tell us about it in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.

Related post: How to Answer the Zombie Question