carrieaimelire can't tell you how to get a job, but she can tell you how NOT to get one. It's less helpful, but way funnier.—Sparkitors
There will come a time in your life when you will be forced to shower thoroughly, make your face and body neat and attractive (meaning actually put on pants), travel to a place of business or education, sit down on a vinyl chair in a cold office, and wait with baited breath until you are called back to speak to an authority figure of the establishment. In our society, this is commonly known as an “interview.” This is a very unpleasant ordeal and one that you will most likely repeat over and over again until you are settled in a corporate office with a job you are happy with and would be content to have for the rest of your life.
If you, like me, are currently in the process of browsing through and applying to colleges, then you will have to face this gruesome reality sooner or later, especially if you are going after a scholarship. Now, while I'm not an expert at PROCURING a job, a college acceptance letter, or a scholarship, I am pretty confident in my knowledge of how NOT to. Here is a list of things that will definitely ensure you an escort out of the building (and, depending on your level of dedication, a possible restraining order).
1. Speak ONLY in 3rd person. You must be consistent with this. For example:
Interviewer: “What qualities do you possess that you feel would make you a valuable member of this university’s student body?”
Me: “Well, Carrie is very studious and academic. She enjoys partying and she socializes very well. Carrie absolutely loves the curriculum
offered here. By the way, she adores your shoes too.”
Interviewer: *uncomfortable shifting* *critical judgment* *calls security*
2. Bring your posse to the interview. Who better to have around to support you in this stressful endeavor than 10 of your closest and most annoyingly chatty friends? They can chime in, interrupt your interviewer, and give you really great backhanded compliments! That’ll leave an impression.
3. Go pantsless. Nothing says “I’m professional and I can conduct myself like a mature, responsible adult” like your bare upper thighs.
4. Don’t not use multiple double-negatives. It won’t not confuse your interviewer and she or he won’t not not know what you aren’t not talking about.
5. Attempt to persuade your interviewer that this is inception and he/she is, in fact, dreaming that he/she is interviewing you. Be very forceful in your arguments and make every attempt to assure him or her beyond a shadow of a doubt that nothing that is happening is real. It will make them feel more comfortable with you, to know you have a firm grasp on reality.
6. Be Paris Hilton. After every question, exclaim “That’s hot.” Tell your life story, with extra emphasis on what a hard-knock life you
have as an heiress to a large fortune. Extra points if you are dripping with fake diamonds, carrying a Chihuahua in your purse and if
you refuse to take your sunglasses off inside. Extra extra points if you have your personal assistant there to attend you. One hundred
points if you throw things at them when they move too slowly for your taste.
7. Say nothing and stare at your interviewer with empty, soulless eyes. Make them feel the hollowness inside you. Let the awkwardness radiate throughout the room and eat you up. Revel in it.
8. Move erratically and spontaneously. Never let your interviewer feel at ease. Every time you see him or her start to relax, start up out of your chair and attempt to run up the wall. Climb on the desk. Sit on the floor and pretend you are a contortionist. See just how flexible you really are. Feel free to invade your interviewer’s personal space and enlist him or her in spotting you as you attempt a back-flip.
I can almost 100% guarantee that performing the above in an interview will utterly destroy any chance you may have had of being hired to that particular workplace/accepted to that university (unless you are interviewing for a mental institution or for a psychological study of schizophrenics.) Now that I have armed you with the proper tools, go forth and succeed!
We are totally trying that back-flip thing the next time we have an interview. (Which hopefully will be never, since we want to work at SparkLife until the apocalypse.) Do you have any tricks for acing (or destroying) an interview?