My New Year's Non-Resolutions

My New Year's Non-Resolutions

By Contributor

I don't really do New Year's resolutions. The few I've made have been along the lines of “learn why Jenny McCarthy is on my television screen,” or “send Dick Clark some money so he can retire already,” or “obtain Ryan Seacrest's hair product” or “Stay awake for Florence and the Machine.” (The last one was especially difficult. I had to call it quits when the guy from Gym Class Heroes was almost a half note flat.) But usually, I try to do at least a bit of reflection around the beginning of January (usually when I'm working on the 500-piece puzzle my mom drags out ever year), and determine what I want from the coming year.

This year, I'm aiming to:

1. Get straight A's. Likelihood of accomplishment: 3.14%? 31.4%? This would be way easier to calculate if I knew what classes I was taking next semester.

2. Figure out what classes to take next semester. Actually, before picking classes, I should figure out what I want to do with my life, but I'd rather not think about that right now. Kinda scary. And by “scary,” I actually mean “mind-blowingly terrifying.” Likelihood of accomplishment: 100%. I have about two weeks to choose my classes, and I can guarantee that I'll figure out what career I want sometime soon. In fact, I'll probably have about eight different careers in mind by the end of the month.

3. Get paid more than minimum wage. Likelihood of accomplishment: 89%. I'm a cake decorator now! People with specialized skills earn more money, right?...riiight? Anyway, if you want me to decorate a cake for you, I totally will. 50 bucks a pop. Because I'm worth it.

4. Tell my parents about my girlfriend. Who, unfortunately enough for them, is not a boy. Likelihood of accomplishment: 100%. I just sent the email. Even though they're sleeping two floors above me. Wish me luck that they'll still let me see her!

5. Personally make sure "Community" stays on air. #sixseasonsandamovie Likelihood of accomplishment: 62%? I really don't know what my chances are. The show is on hiatus until “sometime vaguely in March or April,” for those of you ignorant to the piece of art that is Troy and Abed in the Morning. Please watch it. Please. Especially Season 2. You won't regret it. And then join the huddled masses who are angry at NBC.

6. Win at least one tennis match. Likelihood of accomplishment: 2%. You see, we only play tennis in spring because the team goes to Nationals every year to have our... keesters handed to us. We're lucky if our number one spot on the team wins two matches. And I'm number 12 on the team. Coach usually only takes 11 players to nationals—I think he just keeps me around for my witty banter. And my stunning good looks.

7. Not die. Likelihood of accomplishment: 93%. I have to allow some wiggle room since the world is ending, and I'm not positive that drinking unicorn blood actually works. My chances of survival are further diminished because of how much I like to play with fire, and how much I don't like to stop at stop signs.

8. Avoid conversations with any fans of The Hunger Games.
Likelihood of accomplishment: 14%. Less so, now that I've mentioned it in front of you guys. I'll say it quickly. Idon'tthinkitliveduptothehype. There. I'm done. Tear me apart with your bare hands now.

Ginger's Song of the Week: I heard this song about a week ago in an H&M, and it's been stuck in my head ever since. I bequeath it to you. Warning: the video includes some dancing your middle school teacher wouldn't approve of.

We're proud of Ginger! Do you have any non-resolutions this year?

Related post: Hi, My Name is ____, and I Can't Keep a Resolution

Topics: jobs, resolutions, coming out, life according to ginger, college life, new years resolutions, new year

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