Don't Be a Stalker

Don't Be a Stalker

By Scott Greenstone

A great big post-2011 hello to you beautiful greasy pizza lovers! How was your break? You did what? Wow! That sounds spectacular.

Being a college freshman, my break doesn’t end for another week, and that means I can wear all the plaid things I got for Christmas for seven days straight. Oh, plaid. Where would I be without you? You look so great on flannel pants and button-up shirts from the '80s and cowboy jackets and kilts and cowboy’s kilts from the 1880s.

Rule #29: Take Care of Yourself and Other Rules for Dating in College. Or, more accurately, Rule #Obvious: Don’t Be a Stalker.

I mean, seriously, E-Fein and Shushabye…do girls in their right minds really do these things?

“1. Don’t look up his class schedule and follow him around campus hoping he will eventually notice you.”

“2. Don’t hang out in the dining hall for three dinner shifts hoping to spot him at some point between 4:30 P.M. and 8:30 P.M., and end up gaining the 'freshman twenty-five pounds' instead.”

“3. Don’t have your girlfriend talk to his best friend and find out how he feels about you or if he even knows who you are, and/or become best friends with his fraternity or the girl on his floor, or do favors for anyone he knows.”

(I can understand people doing this one, but in confluence with the other two it’s downright creepy.)

“4. Don’t find out what his favorite albums or CDs are and play them all the time and don’t wear, say, a Grateful Dead T-shirt if that’s his favorite rock group.”

“5. Don’t become a cheerleader or a sports fanatic simply because he’s on the football team. The same goes for taking up smoking or drinking because he does those things.”

“6. Don’t offer to help him with Shakespeare if literature is not his strong suit or type his papers, hoping he’ll date you. He either wants to or doesn’t.”

“7. Don’t be stupid about safety! Date rape has become quite rampant in college these days. Be wary. Study in a lounge or library rather than alone with him in his dorm-room or off-campus apartment. Always tell someone your whereabouts so they can keep track of you.”

…Because if you do numbers 1 to 6, you really need to do #7 and protect the guy you’re in love with, because chances are your next move will be to rape him.

All these rules are fine, but after a whole book of “don’t talk to him first” and “make him pay for your ticket to Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked,” you’d think they’d be a little less…obvious. Some of them make sense, like #4, especially if you don’t like the music he likes (and you may even lie to yourself and say you do. Love is blind, ladies. And deaf.), but saying all of them make sense is like saying “Don’t spray yourself in the face with gasoline and then try to shave with a BIC lighter.” Of course they make sense, but they’re kind of overstated.

The list of Do’s makes more sense:

“1. Study! After all, that’s what you’re here for. Smart is sexy!”

(True, but you have to wonder why this tip didn’t show up in the high school chapter?)

“2. Eat sensibly, even when your friends are gorging on unlimited cafeteria food and having pizza delivered to their rooms at midnight. We suggest you take fruit from the dining hall to save as a midnight snack. Tell yourself during the pizza party that your jeans will fit tomorrow.”

(Unless you have a fruit allergy that gives you puffy thighs.)

“3. Wear makeup. Read Glamour and other popular fashion magazines.”

“4. Get involved in some extracurricular activity, preferably one you’re interested in and where you can meet men naturally.”

“5. Don’t sit in your room alone on Friday and Saturday nights reading Jean-Paul Sartre. Friday and Saturday nights are for mingling. You can read Sartre on Monday.”

“6. Pick a major and career goal.”

Verdict on Rule #29: Take Care of Yourself and Other Rules for Dating in College: For the most part, Yeh! Overstated and in some parts a little too strict, but on the whole I think this one’s a ringer.

Yehs: 6

Hmaybes: 5

Nehs: 11

What do you think about the rules for college? Obvious? Outdated?

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Topics: college, dating, Advice, blogging the rules

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