Toilet-papering a house. It’s middle school stuff, right? A right of initiation into the shenanigans and tomfoolery known as teen-hood. I’m sure you’ve all done it before, because if you haven’t, how can you call yourself “a prankster”? YOU CAN’T.
Up until last night, my whole life WAS A LIE. I considered myself a Master of Tomfoolery, but I never TP-ed someone’s house before. Well, that all ended when my friend strode in my apartment proclaiming, “I’m bored.” (NOTE: all grand adventures begin with one of two statements: “I’m bored,” or “I found out where the cute guy in my English class lives.”)
After sitting around for a while and getting distracted by delicious food, my girlfriend and I finally decided “HEY. Let’s TP our male-friend’s apartment.”
Which leads me to the completion of… Number 22: TP someone’s house.
We stocked up on a plethora of toilet paper and dressed in all black, complete with the most intense tribal war paint ever. We were like ninjas… TP Ninjas. Of Epic Stealthiness. And we made sure that it was the dead of night (aka 11:30), so we could strike whilst they were out. But when we were driving there, we realized: they live in an apartment, so we couldn’t exactly TP the outside of their apartment…
And then we started freaking out. A couple of chicks clad in all-black breaking into an apartment at 11:30 at night looks pretty suspicious, even for a college town. But we were ready, Sparkle-ninjas. We decided just to wing it.
Because this story is so epically James Bond-esque, I made a picture of the perimeter so you guys can properly absorb the awesomeness (scroll up).
Notice the immense amount of shrubbery in front of their apartment. And the random house next to it with a driveway (that had a car in it, just so ya know). All of these play a key factor in our story here.
Due to our vast amount of stealthiness, we parked further down from their apartment. Which actually wasn’t that stealthy, because it’s not like two girls wearing all black and holding an abundance of toilet paper just felt like taking a brisk stroll down the road at 11:30 at night. Luckily their apartment was on the first floor, right in front of the biggest amount of shrubbery I have ever seen in my life.
At this point, we were TOTALLY SPAZZING OUT (again). Our plans to wing things usually don’t work out so well… But the apartment was unlocked! By the time that we were through, the inside of their apartment looked like a Mummy’s dream bachelor pad, or A Nightmare-ish White Christmas. We were quite proud of ourselves, to say the least.
But then things got crazy.
I was putting the finishing touches on the outside of the door when I heard a tiny shriek and this huge crash. I turned around to see what was going on and my friend was gone. GONE. I looked around, whisper-yelling her name. But then something stopped me. And suddenly I knew why my friend ran away. Coming down the hall (it's an open-halled apartment building) were THEM. The people who lived in the apartment that I was IN THE MIDDLE OF TP-ING. Luckily, they were so wrapped up in their conversation that they didn’t notice me, but that could only last so long.
I looked to my left and saw this HUGE four-wheeler blocking my way to a safe exist. My friend, in a moment of panic, bounded over the four-wheeler and booked it to the hide behind the car in driveway next to us. But she’s tall, so she could pull that off. I, on the other hand, am not graced with an abundance of tallness. Time was running out, and I resorted to the only option I had. I plunged myself into the giant amount of shrubbery, leaving all the toilet paper right outside their apartment AND leaving their door open. I waited until they walked inside their apartment to run. It was SO FRACKIN SCARY.
I made it to my friend, and we were like “YEAH, we’re safe.” Nope. Not even close. Not only did our male friends start looking for us, but also the driveway light turned on and the car we were hiding behind beeped REALLY LOUD. We jumped out from behind the car and ran as fast as we could right to the field. We figured if we took the short-cut straight through, we could make it to our car no problem.
Except that our male-friends started chasing us. Right. Through. The field. We split up and decided to meet each other at the car… if we made it out alive. We both had three guys on our tail. Three very athletic, fit, stubborn males. Who were chasing us like there was no tomorrow. To make matters worse, we were on the most open field in the history of the world AT NIGHT, so there was nothing to hide behind or duck under.
How can I describe the feeling of being chased in the middle of the field in the dark of night? Exhilarating? Terrifying? “Live and Let Die” was playing through my head. There were a couple of times where they almost got me, but I successfully managed to zig-zag my way out of that one.
After about 5-10 minutes of running around in random zig-zags, SOMEHOW my friend and I managed to make it to the car at the same time. I don’t think she’s ever driven so fast in her entire life. The car tires squeaked and everything.
The whole process took about 30 minutes, but it felt like an eternity. And we didn’t know whether we should feel epically awesome that we managed to pull that off or if we should just pass out on the couch.
But the best part of all of this? They had no idea it was us. And my ninja status definitely bumped up like 50 points.
Have you ever TP-ed a house?