A new school year has begun, and it's so exciting! Plus, so terrifying! And, so obviously the appropriate time to take stock of your life and all your choices! How's your relationship faring? Do you miss your S.O.? No? Doomed. Yes? Sad. Just kidding. Or, am I?
Sure, everyone's different! But this quiz will try to herd all you couples into organized little boxes as we attempt to tackle the tough stuff—can you and your S.O. survive The Tri-Wizard Tournament college?
1. How often do you connect with your SO per day? (phone, text, email, Facebook, Twitter—it all counts!)
A. I accidentally sent him a text meant for a dude I met in Organic Chem.
B. We usually text each other once or twice per day and talk on the phone when we're free.
C. Once a day but I'm usually watching The Matrix with my roommates at the same time.
D. When are we NOT communicating? We wear a vial of one another's blood.
2. When you mention your S.O., what does your roommate say?
A. "Yes, let's definitely get wings." (You never mention your S.O.)
B. "Megan who? Is that your sister?"
C. "It's sweet that you and Rob are secure in your relationship. I wish the dudes on campus weren't such idiots."
D. "Yes, yes, I know. Thomas Enrique Flendersmyth, son of Pam & Rick Flendersmyth… I get it. You met in junior high when he whittled you a box out of wood."
3. How many pictures of your S.O. are up in your dorm room?
A. There's no room for that. These dorm rooms are super small.
B. Ummm … three … I think? Is he even in any of these?
C. I have a couple here and there—mostly of him doing the Dougie because that always makes me laugh.
D. I have Tupac-style hologram in the corner of my room.
4. When other dudes/ladies talk to you, what do you do?
A. GET MY GAME ON RIGHT THERE, RIGHT NOW.
B. Are these dudes/ladies attractive? If so, I guess there's no harm in making new friends.
C. Act like a human being and have a conversation.
D. Forgo the use of all personal pronouns and sub in "we," "us," and "our" for everything, sweat until it's over, and then go call my S.O. rightaway.
5. What's your song?
A. "Can't Be Tamed" by Miley Cyrus
B. "Call Your Girlfriend" by Robyn
C. "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros
D. "No One's Gonna Love You" by Band Of Horses
6. Did you take something of your S.O.'s away with you to college? What was it?
A. I actually gave her everything back before I left.
B. There was a hoodie, but I gave it to my friend Brad. Was it a hoodie?
C. His old basketball tee because it smelled like him.
D. My S.O.! He lives in my closet and I feed him Chee-tos and leftover salad.
7. When's the first time you're going to see your S.O. in person (since you both started college)?
A. I need at least a month's notice for all visitors.
B. Maybe December? Dunno, I have an internship lined up.
C. Thanksgiving break. We made a pact to try and get used to college without each other—it's hard, but I think it's a good thing.
D. What part of, "He lives in my closet" do you not understand?
8. Does your S.O. know some of your new friends by first name?
A. Absolutely not. I carefully restrict my Facebook content from prying eyes.
B. I'll have to ask, but don't expect an answer soon. I don't know when we'll talk again.
C. Of course. She thinks Chelsea's sweating habit is hilarious.
D. She's met and interviewed each one. The obstacle course she set up was a doozy, but I think my new friends appreciated how thorough she was.
9. What were you S.O.'s parting words to you?
A. A text: Where've you been all summer?
B. Can you please put down your phone so we can talk?
C. I'm really going to miss you, but have fun.
D. See you in a minute. … … Couldn't wait a minute. I love you so much!
10. When you think about your future, what do you see?
A. Me, riding on a jet-ski through the French Riviera with twins, Jean-Claude & Van Damme.
B. I don't know. I guess I'll be with him … I'm just too lazy to break up!
C. A college degree & sense of accomplishment that is unrelated to whether or not I'm in a relationship.
D. Him + me + all our kids, all of whom look just like us and are named after us.
If you answered mostly A's: Do you even know you're not single? Did you already break up with your S.O. without telling him or her? Not cool. Your relationship life-o-meter is already in the negatives.
If you answered mostly B's: You've got maaaaybe six months to live. If you're lucky. But it's terminal.
If you answered mostly C's: Let's just name you the mayor of Give-and-Take City! You guys are doing just fine. You'll might still break up at some point, but it won't be college's fault. You have a year, maybe even more!
If you answered mostly D's: You guys are so consumed by one another, you actually stress other people out. You'll either die together, find a way to make human kangaroo pouches so you can ride together always, or you'll break up in a blaze of hysterical glory and the only thing left will be a halo of scorched earth.
So, how'd you do?