Yes, I have been single my whole life. Yes, I’d like to have a boyfriend at some point. But no, I did not ask all my friends to suddenly become matchmakers.
When everyone you know is trying to set you up with someone, they bombard you with single men. AND THEY’RE USUALLY SINGLE FOR A REASON. Like, they suggest people that are so completely wrong for you, you guys might as well be from different galaxies.
And you’re just like, “REALLY?!?! THIS IS WHO YOU’RE SETTING ME UP WITH?” Like, they can’t grasp the fact that even though you’ve been single for whole entire life (LITERALLY), you still have some taste when it comes to men. You’re not desperate, and therefore you won’t snatch up the first suitor that comes a-knockin’ at yo door.
This has been my life lately, Sparklers. People with good intentions and terrible execution, trying to set me up with… unusual guys. And the criteria? THERE IS NONE. As long as the dude is single and can form semi-coherent sentences, he’s JUST PERFECT.
Uh, I’ll pass on that awkwardness, thankyouverymuch.
This week, I sang a “To Make You Feel My Love”—a brilliant song, and also a love song. And you might be thinking to yourself, “Talie, why are you singing a love song if your love life is non-existent??”
Before I explain my song, let me explain to you my love life. My very non-existent love life.
Many guys have been offered to me by my friends—some are the awkward, but nice guys as previously mentioned, and some are extremely hot guys that are clearly out of my league. AND THEY KNOW THAT. AND THEY BE ALL LIKE, “HAHA WE KNEW IT WOULDN’T WORK. WE WERE JUST PLAYIN WITH YOUR MIND, BRAH.”
Can there not be a happy medium? IS THERE NOT ONE MAN WHO IS SIMULTANEOUSLY CUTE, NICE, AND ADORABLY AWKWARD?
Well, it turns out there is.
And I found this one all on my own. SO THERE, YOU MATCHMAKING POOPFACES.
He’s tall, blond, and, plays the guitar. And while I’ve never spoken to him in my ENTIRE LIFE, I JUST KNOW THAT WE WOULD BE PERFECT. LIKE, SO PERFECT. OMGEEEEEE.
Let’s call him Jessie. Because he’s cute and awkward and musically talented, like Jessie from Pitch Perfect.
He goes to my church, so I see him every Sunday. BUT I keep on running him all around campus. And every time I see him I’m like, “THIS IS A SIIIIIIIGN WE ARE MEANT TO BEEEEEEE.”
We would have a beautiful singing family together, much akin to the Von Trapps. WE COULD SING CUTE UKULELE/GUTAIR DUETS TOGETHA. OUR KIDS WOULD BE MUSICAL GENIUSES.
Whoa there, Talie. You see, I have the tendency of getting waaay ahead of myself—as in, planning-our-wedding-and-naming-our-children ahead of myself. And I’ve so many conversations with the guy in my head/dreams that I’ve forgotten that I’VE NEVER ACTUALLY TALKED TO HIM.
So here’s the plan:
Just, like, talk to him or whatever. Ya know, super chill and casual and whatnot. NO CREEPILY/OBSESSIVELY STARING AT HIM BEFORE YOU TALK TO HIM. THIS A HABIT THAT DESPERATELY NEEDS TO BE BROKEN. And be yourself and stuff, Talie. Because yourself is awesome. SO AWESOME.
But what if he picks up on your attempts at subtlety, and is all like, “Yo, sorry I got a girlfriend” or, “Yo, you’re weird. Adios muchacha.”? WHAT THEN??
I guess I’ll have to just say, “Oh, no! You totally got it all wrong, bro! I have a boyfriend named Fabio. Here’s a picture of him!” Then I’ll proceed to whip out my phone and show him my Chris Pine lock screen.
The fake boyfriend card is fool-proof. Well, maybe not fool-proof, but if he doesn’t like me for who I am, I don’t need him in my life anyway.
SEE, single ladies? We don’t need anyone’s help to snag a man! We got this all on our own. Plus, we don’t even need men. We just keep on doing our awesome thang, and men will realize that THEY need US, babycakes.
WHO RUN DA WORLD?? GURLS.
Got a little bit carried away there. I’m not sure if I was giving myself a prep-talk, or pretending that Beyoncé was giving it to me. Because it was getting pretty sassy there, at the end.
But anyway, that’s the plan for now. And I shall continue to be singing semi-cheesy love songs, single or otherwise.
At least my imaginary boyfriend Fabio looooves it when I play the ukulele.
Till next week, my dears!