So, you’re heading to college and freaking out about living with a complete stranger. That’s understandable. Keep in mind, first impressions are very important. Here’s a series of things NOT to do before meeting your college roommate.
1. Find out her home address. Send her a package of your own finger nails. Include a note inside the package that says, “Did I NAIL it?” Finally, follow up with another note that says, “Can’t put my FINGER on how this was a bad idea.” Finally, write a third note responding to your own question and say, “I know where I went wrong. It was probably the box full of my own FINGER NAILS.”
2. Text him his horoscope and the weather every day.
3. Ask her if she has any allergies because its “kind of your thing.” Show up on your first day of college with some cats, a box of penicillin, loose fire ants, and a jar of bees.
4. Let your new roommate know you only drink milk out of a bag, because otherwise the prophecy WILL not come true.
5. Send her a picture of yourself watching someone sleep. On the back of the picture write, “Can’t wait until you’re my next victim...of friendship.”
6. Go on his Facebook page and rummage through his pics. Show up to college looking exactly like him. Hire actors and buy costumes so you can portray all of his friends and family.
7. Use a landline to call your new roommate and tell her the this is your one phone call and you've been arrested. Then ask for a large sum of bail money.
8. Mail him some reading materials about your personal background and family history. A week later ask him to mail the materials back. Once you receive them, send them a follow up quiz about yourself. If, he scores a 65 or above, declare him worthy of being your roommate. If he scores lower than a 65, call the Dean of Admissions and demand a new roommate.
9. Send him a video of your last will and testament, in which you bequeath all your personal belongings to a radical political militia. Demand its your new roommate’s sole responsibility to see your wishes granted.
10. Talk to her on the phone. After everything she says, reply, "You know, you remind me so much of a young John McCain.” (Works even better if your roommate is a girl.)
11. Call him on the phone and before he even says hello, recite the whole movie Newsies. After you're finished, ask for feedback. If the feedback is too critical, just start crying and call him a “monster.”
12. Take an advertisement out in his local newspaper with a photoshopped picture of the two of you together that just says “Best Friends Forever.”
13. Keep sending her letters you “mistakingly” mean to send to your boyfriend in jail.