Resumés are hard. "Accomplishments"? "Skills"? What devilry is this? Who’s asking these questions, anyway? Who brought back the Spanish Inquisition? People say that "typing" is no longer considered impressive (which is a shame, because that’s like half our skillset). But if we’re throwing typing out the window as a viable resumé skill, we feel it’s only fair to add some new ones. It is 2013, after all, and people are becoming skilled in new and fascinating mediums. We feel, therefore, that the following talents should not only be acceptable to list as skills but should also pretty much cinch the deal for you:
1. Your a cappella shower rendition of "We Can’t Stop." (Include a soundchip so they get the idea.)
2. Your ability to cry about fictional characters, and the intensity with which you do so. (Include a bottle of your tears, or they won’t take you seriously.)
3. Your aptitude for not doing homework, and instead going on the Internet and worrying about how much homework you’re not doing. (You might say this is something you wouldn’t want your potential future employer to know. We say it’s showing a cool head in the face of terror, which most companies will agree is an asset. When you’re in the CIA and you’re staring down the barrel of a gun and also you need to defuse a bomb but you don’t know which wire to cut, you’ll be grateful for all that time you spent procrastinating on your trigonometry.)
4. Your 80,000-word Neville/Moaning Myrtle fanfiction. Ironically, The Scarlet Letter is languishing sadly in the corner, and your essay is going undone. You could write one heck of a paper on the intricate tragedies of mortals loving ghosts beyond this world in times of war, but nobody’s assigning that. Nonetheless, include an excerpt. Make it spicy.
5. Your constant refusal to read the rules for any game ever, requiring you to soldier valiantly onward in the face of the unknown. (Like Mouse Trap. Nobody reads the rules for Mouse Trap. It’s just a free-for-all.)
6. The time it takes you to fall off Rainbow Road in Mario Kart, and then catch up to the rest of the pack. (This showcases your extraordinary resilience in the face of adversity, obviously.)
7. The meticulous precision with which you can readily recite the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air rap. This won’t really give them any special insight as to the content of your character, other than you’re awesome and probably worth following on Twitter.
8. Your inability to do the worm. It takes guts to do the worm at all, but it takes a special kind of guts to try to do the worm, fail magnificently, and continue trying. It shows perseverance, and spastic floor flailing. And if we know anything for certain in this crazy world, it’s that potential employers like to round out an interview with their potential employee frantically thrashing around on the ground with no explanation.
9. Your typing, because dammit, it might be 2013, and everyone and his grandma might know their way around a keyboard, but have they seen you go to town on that thing the night before the five-page paper is due, or while live tweeting an episode of Breaking Bad? It’s nothing short of breathtaking, if we’re being totally honest and realistic here. BREATHTAKING. And any company, be it the CIA or a fast food place that doesn’t even actually require typing as a marketable skill, would be lucky to have you in all your sobbing, flailing, live tweeting GLORY.
Which skills do you wish you could include on your resumé?