I have not read The Hunger Games. I may read it one day, but that day is not today. Today I’m reading other things. I have a very vague idea of what The Hunger Games is about, simply by hearing and reading the tiny nuggets of information that are popping up all over. It’s hard to avoid the hype. It’s everywhere, from the internet to magazine covers. If you step outside right now, you will even hear a small voice whisper, “The third book isn’t as good.” And that voice belongs to a gossipy, well-read squirrel.
So I am not completely Hunger Games ignorant. But I may be severely misinformed. Without Googling a thing, here is what I know about The Hunger Games.
1. It’s a book.
2. It’s also a movie.
3. The main character is named Katniss, which sounds like a car component.
4. Katniss is a young women who is presumably hungry. Maybe poor. Probably both.
5. The story takes place in the future.
6. Or maybe it doesn’t.
7. According to the cover, one of the characters is a bird who carries arrows. I hope his name is Jonah. Jonah is a good bird name.
8. The bird has no feet. Perhaps Katniss, in a hungry rage, ate the feet.
9. Without feet, I assume the bird is carrying the arrow thanks to magnets located in its butt.
10. Katniss will be played by Jennifer Lawrence.
11. Jennifer Lawrence was great in Winter’s Bone.
12. She was OK in X-Men: First Class, but that movie had many problems, most of which were not her fault.
13. X-Men: First Class needed a better story. There needed to be a reason for the characters to do what they did. Sadly, such motivation does not exist in the film. Don’t look at me like that. You know I’m right.
14. The second Hunger Games book is called something. Not sure what. Maybe "Hunger Games: Game On!" or "Thirsty Contest."
15. The third book is Mockingjay, which sounds cruel, but maybe Jay deserves it.
16. Katniss is a strong character, because someone told me that she is, and she has a ponytail.
17. I’ll bet every tooth in my mouth that one or both of Katniss’ parents is dead.
18. I hope I’m right about that. I enjoy my teeth.
19. I think Katniss has to hunt people as part of a game show. Sounds like Battle Royale to me.
20. Battle Royale is awesome.
21. It’d be funny if the third book was just jokes about Jay. Such as, “Jay, you’re so fat that you jumped into the air and got stuck.”
22. I bet there’s kissing.
23. People keep saying The Hunger Games is amazing, but they never explain why it’s amazing. As if I’m just supposed to know.
24. I hope one of the Hunger Games is a water balloon toss. Those are freaking tense. Or an egg on the spoon relay race.
25. And maybe one of the games is Heads Up, Seven Up. That game is great. The trick is to look at the person’s shoes.
26. There is a forest.
27. Katniss wins the game by performing in a rap battle…maybe.
28. Katniss has a jazz-singing cousin named Scat-niss. (Hopefully.)
29. Katniss is not the girl with the dragon tattoo, though I bet they’re friends and hang out and watch movies and stuff.
30. Katniss’ nickname is probably Kat, or Tniss.
31. Using her wits and courage, Katniss will make it through to the end and show the evil people that they underestimated her.
32. The evil people are probably wealthy and male. And white. And older. And say things like, “My, my, my…look what the Kat dragged in.”
33. Katniss is good at some things, but has much to learn regarding other things.
34. There’s probably a waterfall scene.
35. The movie will be a letdown.
36. People need to stop saying, “It’s the next Twilight!” There never needs to be a “next” Twilight. One was enough, thank you.
37. There is probably a very tense scene on a rickety bridge. Seems like that kind of story.
38. Someone is already regretting a Hunger Games tattoo.
39. My favorite hunger game is Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Do you think Dan's guesses are eerily on-target? We do!
Related post: We Just Can't Get Enough of Hunger Games Stuff