Make Everything Like Call of Duty
The Call of Duty series is not only one of the most successful video game franchises, but one of the most successful entertainment properties of all time. Each new game breaks sales records; the latest game sold 6 million units in the first 24 hours of its release, raking in $400 million. Since a new COD game is released just about every holiday season, Activision Blizzard Inc. is rolling in surefire dough. It’s only a matter of time before other industries take notice and begin giving their products the Call of Duty treatment. Here is the world we foresee.
Hollywood would likely cut off its own nose in order to make the kind of consistent bucks Call of Duty earns. Instead of releasing tired superhero movies in which the hero spends 90 minutes talking about responsibility and life and only 20 minutes kicking ass, Hollywood should make movies that are non-stop action. Or let us literally cut to the chase.
The Call of Duty games tell somewhat intricate stories, but all the boring chatter can be easily skipped with the press of button. Give us that button, Hollywood! We’re tired of hearing Thor tell us why he does what he does. And if you can’t give us that skip button, allow us to move the camera around during long speeches so that we may try to shoot people in the crotch and stare at butts. It’s only fair.
Call of Duty branded food already exists, but Call of Duty Mountain Dew doesn’t really connect with the game, as soldiers rarely “Do the Dew” in the heat of battle. They drink their own sweat! Still, food companies can learn from the success of the series by offering the same product again and again, changing it very little and only slightly modifying the name.
For instance, Kraft should release “Kraft Macaroni and Cheese” this year, and “Kraft Macaroni and Cheese: Confrontation” next year— and throw in three new noodle shapes in every box. The year after that, release “M&C 3: Modern Hellfire,” and only change the box art and perhaps write the directions in a new font. Etc.
For best results, offer exclusive deals through select grocery stores. Maybe one store will offer the product in a $40 metal case, and another store will give away a hearty handshake and some horse stickers as an incentive. It doesn’t matter what the bonus item is, people will buy it.
This is easy. Remove all women from the story, and end every third paragraph with, “Move out!”The book should also come with a soundtrack disc that can only be played at earsplitting volume. The disc includes not only sweeping orchestral numbers, but also random explosions and someone yelling, “Move out! Go! Go! Go!” and 18 versions of someone ordering you to, “Get down, goddamnit!”
The books will need to feature a co-op mode where you can read along with a friend competitively.
The real estate market is desperate for a new strategy. One possible solution is to give away the homes at very reasonable rates. Then, once the buyers move in, demand they fork over more cash for upgrades such as doors, water, and sniper weapons. Using a complicated point system, homeowners can unlock new areas of their home and receive better armor by killing terrorists.
If the world followed the business model of Call of Duty, there would be no recession. Though there would be more people screaming disparaging comments about the sexual lifestyle of mothers. You gotta give to get.