Here in the deep, dark, dankity dank of winter, it seems like light years away from the buttery smell of the summer movie cineplex beckoning to us with its action packed offerings. The only thing that can get us through these chilly doldrums is thinking about those glorious summer movies to come.
Between the sappy Oscar bait of the holidays and the lame-as-poop (yes, that’s a saying) January leftovers, it’s easy to forget that there is, indeed, hope. And we're easy, too! Easy like Sunday morning… or a remedial math pop-quiz. In fact, we'll take an action movie about anything. As long as there’s guns, magic, explosions, vampires, and/or Parkour with big knives, we're in.
Hollywood, we hope you’re listening, because we would like to officially submit to you some ideas we’ve had for a tremendous bunch of summer action flicks:
Angry Birds, First Assault
The eggs are gone, and it’s up to a rag tag band of birds to fling themselves at a thuggish gang of green pigs to get them back. Anyone hungry for bacon?!
Romeo and Juliet… Are Zombies!
True love never dies. Unless it’s already dead. The star crossed lovers’ stakes are heightened when they must not only defy their parents, but eat them, too.
Glee-Mageddon: The Musical at the End of the World
Grab your microphones and head for the hills! Just because the sky is on fire and the earth is swallowing cities whole doesn’t mean you can’t sing a pop song while it’s happening!
Are You There God? It’s Me, Gollum.
Somewhere between Mirkwood Forest and The Shire, Gollum dropped his journal. Take a trip inside the mind of Middle Earth’s slimiest foe and find out whom he admires (Zach Galifianakis) and who he has a major crush on. (Demi Lovato… who knew?)
Homeroom II: Attendance with a Vengeance
Just when you thought it was safe to forge a bathroom pass, there’s a new homeroom teacher in town. And this time, headcounts are gonna roll!
Random Skyscrapers Exploding in a Large U.S. City
This promises to be the explodingest, firiest, brick and mortar falling from the sky-iest summer action movie of all time! Did we mention there will be explosions?
Simon Cowell and the Island of Eternal Judgment
Sitting on his throne inside his island shaped like a microphone, Simon Cowell perfects his Doomsday Judgment Laser that will judge the entire world with one blast when it’s completed!
The Day Facebook Crashed
The horror. The horror…
Clifford, the Big Red Assassin
Long thought to be only a freakishly large, red dog who loves kids and ice cream, Clifford hides a secret. He’s actually a highly trained CIA Assassin, and he’s just in time to save the world!
Captain Dad and the Terrible Joke Brigade
Upholder of the “Knock knock” joke and defender of Jay Leno, Captain Dad and his Terrible Joke Brigade are here to drive you and your friends to the mall… but not before embarrassing you first!
Rabid Animal Farm
Who can think about the pros and cons of democracy versus communism when you’re about to be bitten by a rabid pig!? Call animal control, ‘cause this farm’s about to get messy!
Wuthering Heights (directed by James Cameron)
Wuthering Heights. Directed by James Cameron.
What action movie would you like to see this summer?