Good morning, pains in my posterior. Here are today’s announcements.
The Intramural Freshman No-Contact Flag Hockey League game scheduled for this afternoon is postponed until someone cares. No, wait. That’s not going to happen. We’ll go with tomorrow, then. It seems that after last weekend’s practice, many of the boys were “emotionally bruised” by the accidental slip and fall of team captain Gregory Hillbottom. The coach is in talks with Custodian Davies to figure out a way to make the ice less slippery.
I am pleased to welcome back our Earth Science teacher, Ben Bickerman. You may remember Mr. Bickerman was injured when he tied himself to a tree that was set to be cut down in order to expand the student parking lot. The organic, all natural hemp rope he used to bind himself to the pine was apparently too tight. In addition to breaking both his arms in several places when he attempted to loosen the knot, he also managed to sheer off half of his back skin from rubbing against the bark. Instead of flowers, Mr. Bickerman would appreciate locally grown spaghetti squash or unfiltered buckwheat honey.
The lunch menu today includes, but is not limited to: free range soy nuggets, blood pudding, assorted army regulation sausages, hand-warmed gummy bears, “angry” scones, hobo gumbo, and puddin’ socks.
And today’s inspirational quote comes from Stephen Hawking, who once said “Can you believe we’ve been standing in line this long? This was supposed to be express!”
That is all.