Which Pop Stars Are Moonlighting as Superheroes: An Exposé
The FBI called us crazy. They said we were “wasting time” with theories and that we were “not allowed in this room.” We’re here to tell you that we’re bot the crazy ones. It’s the world that’s gone mad—A world that allows costumed vigilantes to parade right in front of our eyes every day without doing a thing about it.
My friends, superhumans are among us. And they’re singing our popular music.
Think about it. Pop stars hide behind goofy aliases and lavish costumes. (That Deadmau5 character wont even show his face!) They control vast fortunes, cutting-edge technologies, and networks of equally empowered allies. They have everything, and yet they return to the spotlight, night after night. We think it’s us watching them—that we have the power—but man, is that a super-sized blunder.
After literal hours of investigation, we’ve compiled this dossier on some of the superheroes, and villains, who have sung among us for years. We’re counting on you to help us expose the dozens of other costumed crusaders we’ve missed.
Name: Stefani Germanotta
Known Aliases: Lady Gaga, The Gags, Mother Monster, Jo Calderone
Affiliation: Good. Well, mostly good.
Germanotta is an outspoken proponent of acceptance and equality and uses her powers exclusively to advance this agenda, kind of like Captain Jean Luc Picard.
Powers and Abilities:
-Commands an army of “little monsters”
-Capable of transforming corporeal form into that of a man, or motorcycle, at will
-Powers of seduction uninhibited by gender or species
Germanotta will spare no expense to make her presentation peerless in spectacle and originality. Gaga has come close to destroying her considerable empire by funneling cash into her extravagant live show, and has come close to contracting salmonella and other ailments from prolonged exposure to meat-based apparel.
She should probably also get that weird fungal infection checked out.
Notes: Unlike most costumed heroes/villains, Germanotta’s powers are not the result of a super-science experiment gone catastrophically awry. She was born this way.
Name: Dwayne Michael Carter, Jr.
Known Aliases: Lil’ Wayne, Weezy, The Wheeze, Mr. Carter, Tha Carter, The Commish
Carter is Commissioner of the Young Money Mafia, a power-hungry syndicate of rappers that includes among its ranks fellow costumed villains Drake (The Self-Deprecation Kid) and Nikki Minaj (Cannibal Barbie). Little is know about Young Money’s ultimate goal, though some speculate it involves dominating the global economy, one milli at a time.
Powers and Abilities:
-Ever inflating ego knows no limits
-Can expand height to 6 foot, 7 foot at will.
-Command of exorbitant wealth and diehard loyalty of thuggish Young Money crew
Some say the source of Carter’s power resides in his cloak of many tats (this is likely why Carter is so often seen shirtless). When properly covered, Carter’s celebrity is neutered, rendering him just another punk kid.
Carter may also have a compromised immune system, as he is often overheard complaining of being “ill.”
Notes: Carter was apprehended and incarcerated in March 2010, but escaped custody 10 months later. Guards on the scene recall only the deafening shriek, “No jail can hold Weezy!” through the haze of smoke that inexplicably filled the prison.
Carter remains at large.
Name: Lizzy Grant
Known Aliases: Lana Del Rey, The Manta Rey, The Meta Rey, The Viral Vixen, She Who Must Be Criticized
Whether or not Grant is good or evil (or, for that matter, talented or worthless) is a subject of ongoing debate on the Internet and in media outlets.
-Lips of infinite pouting
-Constantly protected by entourage of disciplined, bloodthirsty tigers
-Voice of supreme brooding forces opponents to alternately praise/despise her, causing confusion, frustration, and eventual mental implosion
-Can distract the entire Internet with a single teaser.
Weaknesses: Self-defeating attitude.
Grant is known to become sluggish and lose motivation in battle when preoccupied with the conviction that she is born to die.
Help us out—who else should be on this list???