Good morning, future failures of America. Here are this today’s announcements.
Tickets for this year’s Senior Prom will be going on sale next Monday, so be sure to rush right out and grab a couple. Because if you don’t, you won’t get to attend what I can assure you will be one of the most underwhelming experiences of your very short lives. This year’s theme is Hollywood Chic as decided upon by someone incredibly original. Wait, sorry. I read that wrong. As decided upon by current senior class president, Chrissy Mildred. Who is clearly just trying to cash in on the fact that she vaguely resembles Rupert Grint.
Also, the reward for our missing mascot, Brody the Bunny, has been upped to a whopping $25 by our athletics department. Because God knows, we probably couldn’t find another rabbit somewhere to use as our mascot. And it isn’t like parading Brody onto the field before our home games gives our opponents the idea that we are weak or easily defeatable in any way. No, I wouldn’t rest our unprecedented 0-15 record this season on Brody’s shoulders. But it would be nice to have him returned. In one piece. Uncooked.
The lunch menu today includes, but is not limited to: semi-literate potatoes, candy necklace burgers, the sword of Damocles, splatter tots, tepid dogs, steamed mash, and ketchup soufflé.
And today’s inspirational quote comes from Abraham Lincoln who once uttered “You don’t say… a hairpiece, huh? No, I never would have known.”
That is all.