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The Six Types of People Playing Star Wars: The Old Republic

The Six Types of People Playing Star Wars: The Old Republic

Ever since the first SW:TOR screenshots were released, featuring a dramatic battle between two lithe mannequins reminiscent of Sexy Flanders, the Internet has looked forward to the game with equal parts anticipation, wildly unrealistic anticipation, and criticism. Some fans opined that it would destroy Warcraft forever, then come to their houses and do their homework for them. Others concluded that the game was a colossal failure because you can't marry a Jawa. Most people simply wanted the only thing that any rational person has ever expected from Star Wars: space wizards, no Jamaican aliens.

Well, SW:TOR is here, and it has delivered what you probably expected. That, or it will singlehandedly bury Electronic Arts because it is so terrible, depending on whom you ask. Either way, a lot of people are playing it. Here are some of the folks you'll see running around The Old Republic.

1.) The Serious Business Roleplayer

Lord Acrid Bladesoul: 'My soul is as dark as a black tornado of darkest blood, and also there is no God!'

This person will have a name like Darth Sabyre Maleficus or Master Rayven Skullheart (the violent grimness extends to both factions). He may or may not use double-parentheses to denote out-of-character speech, a convention that pre-dates the internet having graphics. He will have a dark soul, or a bloody soul, or dark blood, or his grimdark soul will be full of blood, and anime.

2.) The Jock Who Is Clearly Playing The Wrong Game


This nearly-literate person falls on the opposite end of the spectrum, and will be named Captain Buttfight or Agent F'arts. He will treat the game as an extremely expensive chatroom in which to deride all minorities and moms. He will also relentlessly target the RP people, making this game in every way an extension of what he does in real life, but in space.

3.) The Incoherent... Something

Gaouzclx: LOPL

This is probably a human being, although one cannot rule out a parrot that has been trained to peck aimlessly at the keyboard.

4.) The Inciter


This archetype is a generic troll who realizes that mentioning Warcraft in any context will spark a frothingly mad argument amongst everybody who still has General Chat turned on for some reason. Expect a self-aware name like Darth Darth Darth or Captain Crunch.

5.) The Gold Farmer

Aimee: Lucky greetings, today of all gold :)

The Guardian, which is a legitimate journal of record and not a newspaper about elves, reported that some 400,000 people spend their lives trying to sell you imaginary computer gold or space dollars. This is roughly as depressing as the fact that many of us will buy them. Of course, The Guardian also reported that you can buy a "Virtual Skill Level," which is sort of like saying your car runs on dinosaurs—not strictly wrong, but a good indicator that someone is deeply unfamiliar with the subject at hand.

6.) The Person Who Has Never Played An MMO

Robert: how do i move

Drawn in by their friends, or the appeal of the source material, these MMO newcomers are utterly unfamiliar with the genre. As far as they know, Loot Rolling is a behavior engaged in by Scrooge McDuck, a pug is a dog that looks like it lives in a swamp, and when you tell them to check out your sweet blues, instead of inspecting your character, they wait patiently for you to start playing the saxophone. It's tempting to treat these people as though they're hopelessly out-of-touch with your subculture, like a grandpa who has finally discovered the internet and wants to know what the web address is. But there comes a moment—perhaps while explaining to an MMO neophyte that can pay human money for space dollars to buy imaginary clothes to defeat an alien on the internet—that you realize the genre we've constructed just might be objectively insane.

Have you encountered any of these?

Tags: games, video games, sw:tor, mmos

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