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Wing Man

Wing Man

By Kirk Pynchon

EAT ME (thoughts on food) - Cause There's More To Eating Than Burgers And Big Gulps

Ah, buffalo wings. Maybe one of the most perfect foods ever created. A wonderful mélange (yeah, I just used the word mélange—how ya like me now?) of salty, spicy, greasy and tangy. They can be eaten for lunch or dinner, as an appetizer or entrée. Throw in some celery sticks and blue cheese and you have got yourself one well-rounded meal. Wings are the Lord’s way of smiling down on us humans and saying, “I know life is hard. To make up for it, gnaw on these chicken bones while you watch TV.”

And yet, despite all this, people constantly jack up the making of buffalo wings. Big time. Like FUBAR’d big time. Like when Bush exclaimed “Mission Accomplished” or the entire last season of Entourage.

Here are some quick basics to remember:

Wings too saucy – send them back

Wings not saucy enough – send them back

Wings too big – send them back

Wings too small – send them back

Are you seeing a pattern here? There is a balance to buffalo wings. Though fairly simple to make (deep fry, make sauce, toss) they need proper attention and a delicate touch. Swing too far one way or too far the other and all you have is a basketful of sad chicken. And no one likes sad chicken… not even goth girls.

And don’t get conned into trying different wing flavors. Restaurants love coming up with different flavor combinations for wings—Teriyaki, Sweet BBQ, Honey Mustard, Curry, Cajun, Parmesan Garlic. Wings should come one style: hot. That’s it. You can have them at whatever degree of heat you can handle. If you want to go medium, hey, that’s a little weak, but fine. If you are worried about the size of your manhood and need to go 911 Atomic Hot, so be it. The point is that all those flavors muck up the pureness that is buffalo wings .

Also, don’t be a one of those jagholes who get boneless wings. That’s basically a McNugget dipped in hot sauce. Guess what? Chicken is an animal. No it is! We all learned that when we were five. And if you can’t handle eating chicken off the bone then you don’t deserve to eat chicken. Ordering boneless chicken wings—which is really a stupid name as how can it be boneless and a wing at the same time—is more of an insult to a chicken than tearing off its wing and dipping it in blue cheese. Respect the chicken: Eat the crap out of it.

Go ahead and experiment with going to different joints to inspect and judge their ability to make wings. You might find a place you totally dig. And really, there’s only one place you should never eat wings.

Hooters.

Scientifically speaking,  Hooters sucks a big bowl of suck. The wings are terrible. First of all they are breaded, which is a crime punishable by forced, repeated viewing of the movie “New Year’s Eve.” And Hooters obviously knew they were wrong when they coated them in crap because they then came up with “naked” wings, which is obviously some marketing exec’s ridiculous idea of keeping with Hooter’s “sexy” image. But it doesn’t matter because even Hooter’s “naked” wings suck. They are utterly lacking in heat, tang and flavor…as are the overly tan women who serve them. Please heed this advice: do not waste valuable time at Hooters. Being served overpriced, average, bland wings by girls who are not really that pretty is dumb.

Here ends the Eat ME Public Service Announcement.

Where do you get your wings?

Tags: food, life, eat me, wings, hooters

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