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Music Festivals Nobody Attended

Music Festivals Nobody Attended

By Brandon Specktor

Would you could you on a boat?

Would you could you on a freakin' mountaintop in the middle of freakin’ winter?

This year many music fans answered these questions with a hearty, "Yes, here's my mom's credit card" as the popularity of multi-day concert festivals continues to explode like so many fireworks out of Katy Perry's bosom.

Seriously— on land (Lollapalooza, Bonnaroo, Austin City Limits), by sea (Bruise Cruise, Holy Ship, Kiss Kruise II) and a few hundred miles above sea level (Snowball) the fests have been popping up and selling out mad hard. In fact (the last one you'll read on this page), for the first time ever the Indio, California Coachella festival booked and sold out TWO full weekends of identical concerts—presumably to trick the more sleep-deprived and chemically-affected patrons into thinking they've entered some sort of Groundhog Day time-loop scenario, thus abandoning any inhibitions about paying $8 for a churro.

But even with all the hype and hullabaloo, some festivals proved too, well, avant garde (see also: irresponsibly life-threatening) even for the most diehard music fans. We scoured the web for signs of the festivals that died before they got a chance, and listed them here in their honor. There's always next year!

Boiling Point 2012

Located on a mesh screen above the active caldera of scenic Mt. Etna, Boiling Point promised in early press releases to offer the "hottest lineup" of any 2012 festival. Each ticket purchase would include a refillable water bottle, free insignia umbrella to protect from deadly pyroclastic flow, and a $5-off coupon for Papa Ezio's BBQ Bunker (valid only during festival hours).

Himalayapalooza

The only festival scheduled to be held 29,000 miles above sea level was tragically canceled when members of headliner Kanye West's tour crew kept slipping off the cliff face into the cold dark of an ostensibly bottomless chasm. Plus, Yeezy got a nasty cold, and nobody wants to hear "Otis" sung through a stuffy nose.

Rollin' In The Deep Fest

A 1,400-acre bio-dome complete with oxygen generator, central air conditioning, and WiFi hotspots was constructed specifically for this Adele-headlined fest located a couple blocks South of the Marianas Trench. Ticket sales were robust after Adele first tweeted about the show, but she ultimately had to cancel the event when too many fans complained they "couldn't get a ride" to the bottom of the ocean that weekend.

Púsluspilshtock (literal English translation: "Music Time of Several Mysteries")

After releasing her recent album Biophilia as an app, enigmatic Icelandic sensation Bjork's newest foray into the realm of interactive music distribution was this festival whose date and location could only be retrieved by solving a series of riddles and codes. With huge names like Radiohead, Foo Fighters, Daft Punk, Lady Gaga, Metallica, and David Bowie confirmed on the lineup, fan response was massive. Unfortunately, Bjork's indecipherable clues, all written in a fictional language she called "Christlandic," were neither decoded nor seen by anyone, as Bjork only released one copy of the code, in a dusty leather-bound tome she kept in her bathroom. Some accounts report Bjork held the festival anyway, "just cuz."

What other prematurely unplugged fests have you heard of?

Tags: concerts, music, adele, funniest, music festivals, bjork

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About the Author
Brandon Specktor

Brandon is a writer and humor editor at Reader's Digest magazine. He was born in Tucson, Arizona, and wants to write a paranormal Western that begins, "First the cows turned up dead." What should the rest be about? Tell him on twitter @beardspeck.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.

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