Good morning, youth demographic. Here are today’s announcements.
There will be an all school fire safety demonstration with Fire Marshall Bradshaw this Friday, so let’s all try to make him feel a little more welcome than we did last time. For instance, if you are feeling the urge to “help” Mr. Bradshaw by, say, setting a small kerosene fire in a paint can and tossing it in front of him to check his reaction time, or testing the extinguishers on his face, please resist. That includes inappropriate questions during the Q & A session like “Are you a stripper,” “Are you in the Village People,” “Are you angry that your job sucks,” and “Why are you crying.” The demonstration will be followed by an all school fire drill that will most certainly end in bloodshed.
AP Differential Equations teacher Mr. Luker will be performing with his band, Mr. Luker and the Mathematics, during late lunch today. JV Pom Pom Captain and entertainment reporter, Skylar Richardson, reviewed their last recording in our student paper, The Bunny Beat, musing “Mr. Luker’s a dork. And his band sucks.” Apparently, he has recently written and recorded a whole new batch of songs with titles like “Isosceles Love Triangle,” “The Radius of My Heart,” and their breakout single “Logarithm is Gunna Get You.” I would ask the students to go easy on Mr. Luker for fear of damaging his pride, but he clearly has none.
The lunch menu today includes, but is not limited to: communion wafer pizza bites, discount jerky, circus peanut butter and jellybean sandwiches, dice, alley cat parmesan, and locally grown ulcer scars.
And today’s inspirational quote comes from the great Mohammed Ali who once said: “Don’t you hate that thing after you eat popcorn? Where the kernels get stuck in your teeth? Sucks.”
That is all.