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Reid Faylor Has a Girlfriend.

Reid Faylor Has a Girlfriend.

By reidfaylor

Hi. My name is Reid Faylor. Let me tell you about myself: I am a young man. I have brown hair, well maintained eyebrows (naturally, I don’t do anything to trim them, but a lot of people give me compliments on them), and I like drawing pictures sometimes.

Oh, and did I mention I have a girlfriend? Well I do.

No. I don’t think of that as bragging. If you did think that, well that’s on you, because that wasn’t how I intended it. I was just stating the fact: I have a girlfriend. You can say facts, if you want to. Fact-telling is a thing you’re allowed to do; everybody knows that. “Some turtles eat their own babies.” That was a fact –what, are you angry at me now? Good. That’s what I thought.

But I do have a girlfriend. That’s why I paired it with another fact. Because the thing they have in common: they’re both facts.

My girlfriend’s name is Candace. A lot of people think we’re going to get married–strangers even. They don’t even get to meet her (she lives in another state), but when they meet me and I tell them, “I have a girlfriend” (as I’m oft to do), they say, “You’re going to get married.” All of them. They all say it. No hesitation. They can sense it. Nobody even told my parents that, and they’re married right now.

But since I tend to get a lot of questions about Candace (my girlfriend), I thought I would answer a few here, to “clear the air.” Let’s go to the first question.

FROM: thisisayoungman@gmail.com
What does your girlfriend look like? I assume she is very pretty and attractive.

Great question, thisisayoungman@gmail.com. My girlfriend (Candace) is indeed very pretty. Because she lives in another state, we don’t get to see each other that often or in public around town, but when we are together I’m always amazed by how amazing her amazing beauty is. It’s impossible to describe totally, but a lot of people are impressed when I tell them about how pretty she is, because the description alone is more beautiful than most things a person gets to hear in their life. One time, when we were in love and talking to each other for hours and hours, she asked me, “Would you still love me if I was a man?” I took my tongue out of her mouth and told her: yes. You see, her femininity is so powerful, that if she changed genders it would be nearly impossible to tell. She may in fact be a man as we speak (but she’s not, I know this because I trust her, and because we have done heavy petting that gives us really bad pet-burns sometimes). I think if she were a man her name would be Terry. Next question!

FROM: anotheryoungman@yahoo.com
What would your girlfriend look like as a man?

Please read my previous paragraph, anotheryoungman@yahoo.com. As you will find, I already answered this question. I am very thorough. Let’s take another question.

From: manallthosesports@gmail.com
No, really.

Alright, I went ahead and made a rough approximation of what Candace would look like if she were Terry. Please find it pictured above.

I guess that’s about it for this week. Thanks for reading. And as always –I love you, Candace.

Questions about Candace? Leave 'em in the comments.

Tags: relationships, girlfriends, life, funniest, reid faylor has a girlfriend

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About the Author
reidfaylor

Reid Faylor is a stand-up comedian, cartoonist, writer, and whimsically bearded gentleman living in New York City. He owns a cat named Mr. President. You can follow his tumblr at reidfaylor.tumblr.com.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.