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What Not To Put on a Mix CD

What Not To Put on a Mix CD

By RG Daniels

You finally got the attention of that blonde in the third row. She laughed when you said your teacher’s breath could melt faces off children. After she texted you her 6th smiley face you got the swagger of a thousand Chuck Norrises to finally ask her out. First date: WIN; second date: EPIC WIN; and the third date: EPIC FRIKKIN’ WIN PLUS A HICKEY (you might wanna cover that up by the way).

Now what? Now you tap into your sensitive, caring, I-love-kitty-cats-and-ice-cream-sundaes side and make that girl a mix CD that’ll make her puke rainbows and hearts. For the past 25 years there has been no better way to tell your girl how much you’re into her than with a collection of songs that will do all the talking for you. BUT, be careful. The last thing you wanna do is freak her out with the wrong stuff. When you’re loading up that mix with indie bands and slow jams make sure to stay away from these:

Gangsta rap

There’s plenty of time to show her your tough side. She won’t fall head over heels when she pops in your mix and hears 2Pac howling about another bullet to the knees. Besides, she likes you. There’s no need to make her afraid of you…unless you want a rowdy crowd of Bloods circling around with bats and swords and machine guns on your date at the mini golf course. Before you know it, you’re pretending to know karate and she’s marrying your best friend as you slowly wake up from a 9-year coma. If you’re into hip-hop, it’s okay to leave out the rhymes about bitches and snitches. She won’t think any less of you. Neither will the Bloods.

“Weird” Al Yankovic

You’re a funny guy. She has a great sense of humor. 1 + 1 = 2. No need to make it complicated. If you wanna make her laugh then stay away from the corny remakes of songs that were good before some dude with stringbean legs sang them. Even if you love "Weird" Al, chances are she doesn’t. There’s a reason you don’t see many girls rockin’ the Yankovic gear. There’s nothing romantic about a version of a Bruno Mars song with accordions. There’s nothing romantic about accordions, period. They’ve been known to kill plants and relationships.

Metallica

You’re holding her hand, walking down the street, on your way to the movies. A wolverine with claws so sharp they can slice an ’87 Honda in two pieces, comes from out of nowhere and is about to pounce! But then the wolverine is MURDERED. Murdered by Metallica.

Metallica loud, it’s fast, and it might be the single least romantic music you can share with her. In a game of tackle football where you’re ripping your friend’s throat out with his own hand, they are your soundtrack. When you’re snuggling and staring into her eyes like you wanna write a 12-page poem about how good her hair smells, maybe lay off the thrash metal. It’s the least you can do (besides protecting her from wolverine attacks).

Madonna/Lady Gaga

There’s no denying these two ladies make popular music that’s fun to dance to…alone. In your boxers. In the mirror. In mom’s high heels. (WHAT!?) However, you want your sweetie to see you as her boyfriend, not her friend-friend who she can dance around with in a pretty dress at a Sweet 16. You’ll have plenty of opportunities to show her your moves later on, but when it comes to mixes you don’t want songs that’ll make her think, “I bet he puts this song on and dances around like an electrocuted ape.” Leave the dance jams to her and her friends. And the pretty dresses, too.

Anything your parents listen to

Seriously, don’t do it. Even if you have the coolest parents in the world, they are your parents and not hers. She won’t think the Grateful Dead are groovy or that Bob Dylan is rad or that Barry White is sexy. What she will think is how creepy it is you don’t listen to anything that came out after 1979. When you try explaining how funky those songs are she might tell you to “funk off” and look for a guy who doesn’t listen to music they play in a doctor’s waiting room.

Any song from Glee

The originals are certainly worth tracking down, but if you’re gonna use a song from the TV show, then she’s bound to give you a record-breaking WTF stare. Simply put: If awkward were measured on a scale of 1 – 100, playing a Glee song for your girl would be a 99 (farting in a movie theater is a solid 100).

What would you put on a mix CD?

Tags: valentine's day, dating, music, girlfriends, mixtapes

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About the Author
RG Daniels

RG Daniels is a writer living in Brooklyn, NY. He likes ‘90s one-hit wonders, breakfast for dinner, and koala bears. He is currently on Level 163 in Candy Crush.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.