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Which Pop Stars Are Moonlighting As Super Heroes: Part II

Which Pop Stars Are Moonlighting As Super Heroes: Part II

The local police didn't believe in us. The FBI didn't believe in us. Even Superman wouldn't give us the time of day. (His secretary was a total jerkalope.)

But you believed in us—you believed we were onto something (or on something) when we told you that all popular musicians are actually costumed vigilantes—and that's…worth something too, probably.

With your help we've continued compiling our comprehensive dossier on the super heroes and villains who've been performing right in front of our smartphone-slackened, desensitized eyes. Please, noble citizens, read on and give us any insider information you may have to help further our understanding (THEY will undoubtedly be watching, so please send your intel to our office via carrier Shih Tzu). Thank you. Thank you for caring about the balance of the world as we know it.

Subject 4
Name: Joel Zimmerman

Known Aliases: Deadmau5, Chairman Mau5, The Headless Beatsman, The Mau5 in the Hou5e, Zombie Mickey

Affiliation: Unclear. Zimmerman dabbles in necromancy, and people usually use that stuff for no good. There are, of course, some exceptions.

-Unlike most heroes disguised among popular musicians, Zimmerman holds powerful sway over both geek and party cultures. He has already trained a legion of geeks to build a digital world in his image, likely in preparation for global domination. If Zimmerman achieves his plan of uniting the rival geek and party factions into an unstoppable Youth Army, the resulting incessant loud music could very well prevent the world's parents from finishing that new Stieg Larsson novel in peace.

-If his songs are any indication, Zimmerman may be a zombie, or a ghost, or worse—some sort of terrible hybrid ghombie (extremely undead).

Weaknesses: Zimmerman is rarely seen without his Mouse Helmet of Unparalleled Silliness. Whether he is trying to protect his mind from psychic penetration, or is simply masking a hideous facial deformity (see again: he's a zombie) is still unclear, but it is known that the helmet makes Zimmerman's corpus extremely top-heavy. Perhaps the key to his downfall is tricking him into a tightrope-walking contest over holy water?

Notes: Does Costco sell holy water?

Subject 5
Name: Onika Tanya Maraj

Known Aliases: Nicki Minaj, Roman Zolanski, Nicki Teresa, Harajuku Barbie, Cannibal Barbie, Tha Big Pink Monsta

Affiliation: Evil. Maraj is the "wild-card" in Dwayne Michael Carter Jr.'s Young Money Mafia, and is often deployed to cause chaos across the world with the help of her thousands-strong legion of minions (a.k.a. "Barbz").

-Maraj is a known cleric with pseudo-messianic healing powers. She mostly uses her powers to restore the vitality of Barbz who have been wounded while spreading chaos in Maraj's name. She has, on some occasions, restored vanquished foes to health just to beat them up again "for funzies."

-Maraj's army of minion Barbz have been reported wreaking havoc worldwide.

-Maraj is mentally unstable, and frequently relents into one of several increasingly deranged alter egos. The "Roman Zolanski" persona is easily the most terrifying—a confirmed monster—and when acting as Zolanski Maraj is vocal about her sadistic tendencies to "give 'em whiplash, " "eat brains," and "rock gold teeth and fangs." (Could she be a vampire, too?)

-Reports confirm that Maraj also possesses Super Bass.

Weaknesses: When subsumed under one of her unpredictable alter egos, Maraj loses the ability to properly monitor bodily health, sometimes leading to exhaustion and incapacitation.

The color pink also appears to be intimately associated with her power.

Notes: Perhaps if her wig and lip gloss are stolen she will be reduced to a mere mortal...but who would risk the whiplash?

Who else are we missing? Help us advance the cause!

Tags: superheroes, superpowers, music, costumes, pop music, nicki minaj, deadmau5

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About the Author
Brandon Specktor

For 22 years, Brandon was a fat kid living in Tucson, AZ, which gave him lots and lots of time to write. He now works at a magazine in New York City, but still loves writing almost as much as he loves muffins.

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