It’s Valentine’s Day and you’re feeling like Captain Romance, ready to conquer your girlfriend’s heart with a killer date that she’ll never forget. Well slow down Hero-Pants. There is a science to the Valentine’s date. It is a night that’s gotta stand out from all those other dates at the mini-golf course or your parents’ basement. Things can go horribly wrong, but you can avoid a terrible Valentine’s Day date. Here is a rundown of the worst of the worst so you can save yourself from being alone on February 15th.
The Saw Movie Marathon at the Cineplex
Holy crap! They’re showing all 7 Saw flicks at the movie theater (yes, including the final chapter in 3-D)! On any other day you’d pack some snacks and an butt cushion to go check this out, but this ain’t a Valentine gift you want your chick to sit through. Remember: ROMANCE. There is no section in the Book of Love that talks about severed limbs and bleeding guts. You want your girl to enjoy those chocolates you bought, not barf them up. Skip the horror flicks and sit through a romantic comedy. It won’t kill ya to watch a movie she’s in to, but it may kill her to spend her Valentine’s Day with Jigsaw.
Hot wings at the Sports Pub
Girls who like sports are awesome. They’ll watch the game with you, help you out in your fantasy draft, and rub it in your friend’s faces when her teams win. Valentine’s Day, though, is not about sports. And it’s definitely not about hot wings. Romeo and Juliet never shared a kiss with Buffalo sauce all over their faces, let alone in front of an HDTV with Kobe dropping 32. These dates are fun, but not for a night like this. You wanna make her feel like you went out of your way to do something different. When the walls are plastered with Fat Heads of Aaron Rodgers and Serena Williams the mood is killed. Have a heart, not a side of blue cheese, and take her somewhere nice.
Cirque du Soleil
Ever have one of those dreams where a French clown is riding a tricycle though a sea of glitter and scarves? Pretty frikkin’ weird, right? You would never want to see that in real life and your girlfriend probably doesn’t want to, either. A David Lynch nightmare is no way to show a gal how romantic you can be. It is supposed to be enchanting and yet, the only thing magical about this is how your girlfriend hasn’t managed to blink in two hours ‘cuz she’s completely freaked out. Save her the trouble of thinking that she’s been drugged—avoid the bizarre European carnival.
Your buddy’s band is playing a show
Alright Mister, time to ask yourself what this night is all about: your friends or her? The answer (in case you need a little help) is her. Sure you’d like to mosh the night away to your friend’s funk-ska-emo-dubstep-hardcore band, but you’d be doing yourself a favor by catching the next show (assuming there is one). Plowing your girlfriends ears with music that sounds like an army of cats getting strangled is the worst possible Valentine’s Day gift you can give. She deserves more than standing off to the side while you awkwardly dance to The Hiccups or The Donkey Farts or whatever the name of the band is. Again: ROMANCE, not BROMANCE. This is her night to feel how much you care. The soundtrack for the evening should not consist of volcanic bass beats and a Third Eye Blind sample.
Not that there’s anything wrong with faith, but if you’re at church with your girlfriend on Valentine’s Day…(cue the womp womp sound)
What do you think is the worst date idea?