Hi. This is Reid again. I’ll answer some questions later, but I thought I’d go ahead and answer one right away: Do you still have a girlfriend? Answer: totally. Candace and I are still going super strong, so much so that it’s almost offensive to even answer and suggest there is some other possibility.
Thanks for all the questions I’ve been getting. I saw some of you were confused the last time, so let me make it clearer: these articles are about my (very passionate) girlfriend, Candace, whom I love more than God probably loves anything (even birthdays). Is that confusing? Then I guess I feel bad for you, because you’ll never know a love so absolute and intensely physical as the one I have with my long distance girlfriend (her name is Candace).
I’m sorry. That may have been too mean, especially as I now realize nobody will ever feel what we feel, not even my parents. Though to be fair, that’s because my parents love other things a lot more, like forgetting each others’ birthdays, and posting inspiring quotes on Facebook. Let’s get started.
Do you have any pictures of Candace?
I should hit you right in your stupid mouth. I swear I’ve already explained this to everybody—all of Candace’s photos burned in a fire. It was ironic, really, because her family had put all her photos together for safe keeping, because they were going to take them to Walgreens to make copies of them. You see, it’s ironic because they were supposed to be safe, but instead they burned in a fire. Even baby photos burned (though it’s hard to tell she was a baby because she’s always been very mature and full-figured), and it makes Candace really upset to talk about. If you think about it, this was a very insensitive question. I do, however, have another artist rendering I made of her (please see above picture).
It doesn’t even matter about the photos, because they were all blurry anyway. You can’t take a direct photograph of Candace–she's kind of like a ghost or a really smart alien.
What base have you guys gotten to?
This is an odd question. To be honest, both of our moms don’t let us play baseball, so the question is irrelevant. My mom says baseball was made for other boys who have “more violent dispositions,” and “less brittle bones,” and who “don’t love their mother as much.” I personally don’t like it because of the names I’ve heard people call the pitcher (“belly-itcher” may rhyme, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt feelings). Candace’s mom (she likes me a lot) doesn’t let Candace play baseball because she’s too busy with the physics she learns at a college level, not to mention her various black belts. No baseball leaves more time for us to kiss, too, which is good, because we do it a lot, even when our mouths start to hurt (because we’ve been kissing so much).
Why do you love Candace so much?
Wow! What a great question. This is going to be really hard to describe in words, which is why I’ve made a pie chart to help.
As you can see, I have many, numerous reasons to love Candace. But it’s not quite so simple–try looking closer.
Do you see that? That’s right–each section of the pie chart actually contains an entirely separate, other pie chart, where that portion of the pie chart is 100%. So this means that each reason I love Candace is 100% the reason I love her. This a special kind of paradox that only happens when you love someone fuller and truer than anyone else in history (and also do some really heavy petting).
Alright, it looks like I have time for just one more question.
What are some good facts about turtles?
Uh oh, I’m sorry, sir or ma’am, but it appears you have this article mixed up with another article of mine: Facts I Know about Turtles But Am Unable to Cite Right Now. Please direct your question to that article. Thank you.
That wraps it up for this week. I hope I made things a lot clearer for some of you. Candace wrote me a really emotional letter, so I need to leave now and read it. It’s nothing special–she does this all the time (except that it really is special because every word means something). It’s actually interesting, because we have very similar handwriting. That’s another thing we have in common. See you next week, and as always: I love you, Candace.
What do you want to know about Candace? Leave your questions in the comments.