IT'S HAMMER TIME (Less Clever Title: 10 Reasons We Can't Wait for The Avengers)
Okay, so maybe I’m not overly pumped about the Super Bowl on Sunday (come on, it’s just a bunch of dudes seeing how far they can hit a basketball, right? Or am I thinking of rugby?) but I’ll still be tuning in, for one reason and one reason only: the new Avengers trailer.
This movie (as far as I can tell from the original trailer, which you can see below and which I have watched 37 times today) is a smorgasborg of absurdly good-looking people doing ridiculously bad-ass things; basically, it is the movie I have been waiting for my entire life, only better, because it has Chris Hemsworth in a cape, wielding a hammer of hawtness and destruction.
There are roughly 6 million reasons why I can't wait to see this film (and 5 million of them are simply "ROBERT DOWNEY JR.), but I only have enough bullet points to list 10, so you'll just have to read them 600,000 times. Out loud. In your best Samuel L. Jackson voice.
* ROBERT DOWNEY JR. How I wish someone would hostilely ask me, "Take away your sweat and what are you, Chelsea Dagger?" so I could be all "GENIUS BILLIONIARE PLAYBOY PHILANTHROPIST" and then hip-thrust my way out of the room doing jazz hands.
* The soundtrack. If the music in the trailer is any indication, I am going to spend most of this movie ferociously playing the air-guitar from my front-row movie theater seat.
* Scarlett Johansson as the baddest female superhero in recent memory, flippin' dudes over like it ain't no thang.
* Jeremey Renner as Hawkeye, who's basically the male version of Katniss. I would literally bribe my way into the Hunger Games if it meant I had a chance to get shot by this man.
* JOSS WHEDON wrote and directed, and whatever Joss Whedon touches turns to solid gold (which is cool but also sad, because he can't really ever hug anybody.)
* Thor. You can never have enough Thor, in my opinion. Let's make "MORE THOR" happen. Chant it everywhere, especially in AP Calculus during tests.
* Captain's America's haircut. (Don't even try to pretend that you didn't just shellack the shizz out of your unruly mane in a vain attempt to jack his look.)
* Explosions!!! Car explosions. Building explosions. Alien explosions. Fist-on-face explosions. Heart explosions (these happen to me every time Chris Hemsworth locks eyes with the camera).
* Nick Fury. I gotta get me an eye patch.
* ROBERT DOWNEY JR. (It had to be said.)
This movie doesn't come out until May 4, which means one of you needs to invent a time machine and fast forward us a few months. Who's on it? Less difficult question: which Avenger is your favorite?