As it turns out, I, the author, have a substantial wealth of knowledge about turtles. I’ve read books about them, watched documentaries, even conducted my own private, questionably “scientific” research. However, there is no single online reference for all the turtle information I have inside my brain, which is why I have made the following list. These are all absolutely, 100 percent true–which is why I have a citation for each and every single fact. Enjoy! (Note: unfortunately, I was in a terrible rush and did not have time to add the promised citations–it turns out ABC Family was accidentally showing a movie with nudity in it, and, excuse me, but I guess I wanted to watch history happen. But the facts are all true. Seriously.)
1. Turtles, once they get a taste for human flesh, can eat nothing else ever again.
2. Baby turtles are called “Sparkies.”
3. Turtles can live up to 200 years, but most experts agree that they hit their “turtle peak” in their mid 70s. After this, they become too politically conservative to really be fun to talk to at a party.
4. Turtles do not wear clothes, even though there are lots of pictures of turtles wearing scarves.
5. The shell of a turtle is made of the same material as fingernails, leading some scientists to commonly refer to them as “stupid.”
6. Turtles can do rudimentary math, like addition and subtraction, but they lack the capacity to truly understand negative numbers.
7. Turtles only have one organ that handles all of a turtle’s bodily functions, such as digesting food, and making the turtle blink, and nothing else. That’s all turtles need to do.
8. If you compliment a turtle, it will blush super hard.
9. In turtle, the word for “hello” is the same as the word for “goodbye.”
10. Turtle soup is in fact not made from turtles, but rather from a vegetable broth and cheap horsemeat. Also: little bits of turtle.
SIDE FACT: turns out “horsemeat” is a word, and it is spelled exactly like that. I learned stuff today!
11. In turtle communities, blushing is viewed as a sign of weakness, and will incite aggression from turtle peers, and, in extreme cases, violence.
12. Turtles can hear if you scream in space.
13. Turtles are terrible gossips. If you tell a turtle you have a crush on Leslie, pretty soon everybody knows, even Leslie’s best friend, Sami. I bet Leslie knows now. Oh gosh! This is the worst! Thanks a lot, turtle!
14. Turtles actually experience time slower, which is why they move so slowly. To a turtle, we are moving at an unreasonably fast speed, which is why many scientists think they openly mock us.
15. Turtles are not color blind, but can in fact see one extra color, which humans cannot sense. The color is commonly referred to as “red,” and though many have tried, it is ultimately impossible for us to imagine.
16. Turtles reproduce asexually by a process called “binary fission.”
17. Catholics agree that the chief sin of the turtle is pride.
18. Turtles live in an honor-shame society, as described in Amy Chau's book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, which is why most turtle parents are unbearable.
19. Turtle clothes come in one size: husky.
20. Turtles are born live in litters of about 8 to 10. The mother will try to consume some of the turtles, to teach the remaining turtles the following lesson: I am very rude.
21. The turtle’s natural predator is rhythm and blues.
22. Turtles that can breathe underwater are known as “hydrorespiratory,” whereas turtles that cannot breathe underwater are known as “cowards.”
23. A turtle’s body is divided into three segments: the head, the thorax, and the swimsuit area.
24. A turtle’s shell is scientifically referred to as its “dust jacket.”
What else about turtles?