You probably know Michael "The Situation" Situationovich best for his literary opus, Here's The Situation, a stirring tale of "creepin" about which J.K. Rowling famously wrote, "I only wish the Harry Potter franchise could be as touched with twisted fantasy as Michael's self-image is here."
But we bet you didn't know that when not capturing the rapid decay of popular culture standards in print, performing stirring soliloquies on the televised drama "The Jersey Shore" (based loosely on William Shakespeare's Much Ado About Douchebags), and not wearing Abercrombie & Fitch, The Situation is a prolific and poetic recording artist.
This is not a joke. The Situation has a rap song. Actually, for some reason, most of the "Jersey Shore" players have rap songs. Well, inasmuch as lacing AutoTuned phrases like "I shop/ I shop/ I just can't stop" over Garage Band beats can be considered rap.
Seriously though, check this (c)rap out. Angelina's ditty is about the joys of being an attention whore. Pauly D's contribution to the world of music was scientifically proven to be the worst song ever. Then there's Vinny's flow, which is so bloated with disturbing sexual imagery that we don't even want to hyperlink it here. Just know it's out there, and once you hear it you can't unhear it.
But we're here to warn you these tracks are just the tip of a very scary iceberg made of crystallized pan pizza grease and AXE body spray. There is a sprawling back catalog of "Jersey Shore" rap cuts yet to see the light of day, likely out of fear that no one would be able to hear them over the sound of culture screaming to death. But we found them, we listened to them, and we summarized the best ones for you here.
Then we soaked our ears in hydrochloric acid.
"All For The Snooki"
by Snooki, feat. Fred Durst
The world's second-most-famous orange celebrity thought it only natural to unleash this rap/rock crossover hit with the help of former Limp Bizkit frontman and reigning king of talentless rap-talking, Fred Durst. Durst was quick to jump aboard the collaboration, saying, "Whatever. My reputation couldn't possibly get any worse." Yeah…we'll see about that after your Douchebag sitcom airs, buddy.
by The Situation
The Sitch, for some reason, unites religious allusions and sadomasochistic imagery in this misguided 9-minute treatise on forging your own "fab slab of abs." His canniness to rhyme "skip the Cheez-Its" with "ripped like Jesus" admittedly deserves some cred. But no wordplay can forgive this track's punishing six-minute outro of The Situation yelling "Beat it with a/ Beat it with a/ Beat it with a baseball bat" over and over while a squalling dubstep remix of the Laws of Leviticus chanted by a Gregorian chorus loops behind.
"(This Club Is) Our Toilet"
Feminist icon JWoww releases her first of several women's empowerment anthems, urging ladies to not let confusing dance hall floor-plans oppress them when their God-given bodily fluids demand release. In JWoww's more economical phrasing: "When it's comin' too soon/ Make the ground yo bath-room."
"Orange We Beautiful"
by The Cast
In this "We Are The World"-inspired medley, the whole "Jersey" crew sets aside its scripted bickering to passionately protest recent legislation introduced to the New York state senate that would ban children under 18 from using tanning parlors. The layered vocals get a bit muddled, and you can clearly hear Ronnie and The Situation fighting over a microphone around the two-minute mark, but the crew's tear-jerking chorus is an early contender for top cultural moment of 2012:
"No matter what color you're born/
What national pledges you've sworn/
Whether you troll Hoboken/
or ride the dunes of Iran/
Like the leather skin of a Prada/
Or a finely toasted Ciabatta/
We are hot! We are young! We are tan!"
Truly, revolutionaries of our times.
If you uncover any other tracks by the Jersey Shore cast, do let us know right away so we can plug some new terms into our spam filter.