Madonna's Ridiculous Halftime Show By the Numbers
Fact: Halftime viewership and the average halftime performer's age have both risen since Janet Jackson's nipple made a cameo appearance at the 2004 Super Bowl.
Other Fact: Every time someone types "Janet Jackson's Nipple" on the Internet an angel gets electrocuted.
This year the fabled halftime slot went to aging queen of pop Madonna, who, despite getting her big break entertaining Civil War generals at Antietam, still knows how to sing a catchy tune. We guess a cameo from known villainess Nicki Minaj probably helps, too.
Because you probably had better things to do last night (gaming, planking, watching the "Hunger Games" trailer on repeat), and we have literally nothing better to do this morning, here's a statistical breakdown of Madonna's ridiculous, cameo-studded, wardrobe-malfunctionless (rats!) halftime bonanza:
Combined age of "Give Me All Your Luvin" collaborators Nicki Minaj and M.I.A
Average age of viewers who took offense with M.I.A.'s middle-finger-flouting "controversy"
Number of disappointed teens who wore out their TiVo remotes trying to find the "M.I.A. controversy" everyone was talking about
Number of words in Nikki Minaj's rap verse on "Give Me All Your Luvin"
Number of words Nikki Minaj lip-synced from her rap verse on "Give Me All Your Luvin"
Date of release for Madonna's 12th studio album, MDNA. This is not to be confused with MDMA, or MadonnylenedioxyMadonnamphetamine, a euphoric compound said to make recipients feel "Like A Virgin" for up to several hours.
Number of actual virgins participating in Madonna's halftime show (skirt-wearing, Richard Simmons-lookin' slackline guy)
Number of new Twitter followers @SkirtWearingRichardSimmonsSlacklineGuy gained following his few seconds of bouncing around during "Music."
Number of minutes LMFAO spent on-stage dressed as gladiators
Number of lions sent to devour LMFAO after Caesar gave the thumbs down
Number of Praetorian slaves who died auditioning for Madonna's elite guard
The final score in some sports game that was apparently opening and closing for Madonna?
Number of dictators visibly moved by the "World Peace" message illuminating the field after Madonna's performance. Kim Jong Un was reportedly heard humming "Vogue" all Monday morning.