The first G.I. Joe movie was a forgettable popcorn flick. Not even Joseph Gordon Levitt could save it from goofiness. But compared to the Transformers movie, it was Citizen freaking Kane. Unlike Transformers, the Joe movie understood how silly its own story was, and didn’t waste time with needless character building or plots so complicated you needed SparkNotes to sort them all out. It was a goofy, brainless action movie with some fun special effects.
Obviously a sequel was in order, and judging by the new trailer, the filmmakers sucked out the imagination of a nerdy teen guy and slapped it on the screen. If you ever wanted to know what your boyfriend was thinking about while he stared sleepily out the window during trig class, this is it. (Well, the PG version of it, anyway.)
It’s hard to tell if the movie will be horrible or horribly wonderful. It could go either way. We can’t even identify the bare bones of the plot. The Rock is now a Joe, and the Joe program is shut down, and then Bruce Willis shows up, and…wait. What?
Bruce Willis? Was he supposed to be in this? Did he stop by the set one day and say, “Hey, I was going to get some coffee but thought maybe I’d star in this little movie first. Action!” We assume that’s how he gets all his acting work.
But Bruce Willis and The Rock don’t equal cinematic excellence on their own. So why are our hopes slightly raised?
THE NINJA FIGHT ON THE CLIFF!
Did you see that ninja fight? The one on the cliff? With the ropes?
Go ahead and watch it five more times. We did.
We never realized what was missing from every movie ever made: ninja cliff fights. Bravo to whoever thought that up. Yes, it’s preposterous. Yes, it’s silly and juvenile. But shut up! They’re fighting and they’re ninjas and they’re on the damn side of mountain! If that doesn’t deserve some sort of Academy Award than there really is something wrong with the state of art appreciation.
G.I. Joe Retaliation will probably be a mediocre summer movie, like so many others. Still…there was that ninja scene…and Bruce Willis shoots things. And Snake Eyes is a cool character...
Just to be safe, we cleared our calendar for June and pre-ordered tickets. Now excuse us as we pretend our staircase is a mountainside and our tube of wrapping paper is a ninja sword.
What do you think of the trailer?
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