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Pandora Radio Person

Pandora Radio Person

By Scott Greenstone

Wouldn’t you like your Pandora experience to be just like listening to the radio, complete with your own radio personality? Well now, thanks to Pandora’s new technology, you CAN! Pandora has known for years that you wanted someone to announce the next songs and tell you pointless details about their teenage sons who look just like Napoleon Dynamite, and now that technology has caught up with inspiration, Pandora is happy to announce their new Radio Person™ software!

Using the Radio Person™ software, you can choose the height, build, and hair color of your radio personality, as well as pick from over 200 voices—or even customize your own using the Radio Person Voice Box®! With the Pandora Radio Person, everything will go exactly the way you want it!

Radio Person: It’s 5:05 on The Script Radio and it looks like we have some of…well, what do you know? The Script coming up!

Radio Person: That was "Long Gone And Moved On" by The Script. Great song. Not sure why you didn’t thumb it up. Well. Next we have one of the millions of "Apologize" remixes, and after that—um…not sure.

Radio Person: I see you like Snow Patrol. They’re okay. Next up, "She Is Love" by—Wait! You don’t like Parachute? They’re really good. Fine. It’s okay. It’s okay. Coming up later this hour: something that probably isn’t by Parachute.

Radio Person: Okay, I get it. You like Snow Patrol. But really the only good ones they have are "Chasing Cars" and "Run." Seriously, you’re going to get tired of them really quick. I mean, they have very little talent—think about it! Even "Chasing Cars" is basically two notes repeated over and over again! You’ve got to think about stuff before you thumb it up, buddy.

Radio Person: Don’t tell me you just thumbed up Kings of Leon! Come ON! You’re one of those people who just likes artists because they get one hit on the radio. I bet you bought Taio Cruz’s whole Rokstarr album on iTunes.

Radio Person: I’m just gonna reach over here and thumb this up…no! Stop! You need to listen to more Adele! She’s got hits, but the rest of her music is good too! Come on, it’s the best of both worlds! You know, Miley Cyrus-kinda thing! I’m sure you love her! NO. DON’T SKIP IT!

Radio Person: (sigh) And next up we have some Arcade Fire, which is probably far above your cognitive structures’ ability to understand. You should just skip it now.

However, if your Radio Persons™ get a little too prejudiced or just plain annoying, be sure to take advantage of our Stop The Yammer!® option. You can design your own Radio Hijacker Person™ to break into the studio and shoot your customized Radio Person™ in the head, up to three times! Customize your Radio Hijacker Person™ to include a merciless backstory filled with paternal betrayal and devastation, as well as a weak and somewhat sparse goatee.

Your Own Personal Radio Station, Your Own Personal Way.™

What would you and your Radio Person fight about?

Tags: music, funniest, pandora

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About the Author
Scott Greenstone

I write freely.

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