I have returned with more turtle facts. Do not think I do not know more things about turtles—my knowledge is nearly infinite. That's what happens when your turtle-thirst is as great as mine. Again: these turtle facts are all 100%, absolutely, I-would-never-lie-to-you true. However, I again did not have time to cite any of these. There is no excuse this time, rather I just have recently come to terms with the fact that I am a very lazy man. It is shameful, but I must learn my lesson. I am hoping the collective disappointment you all feel from the lack of citations will serve to punish me for my terrible terrible laziness.
1. Turtles are one of the few creatures that will respond when their name is called. However, it should be noted that all turtles believe their name to be “Jared."
2. Turtles emit a low wavelength broadband signal, making them, in a sense, natural Wi-Fi hotspots.
3. A turtle’s mating call is long and complicated, so much so that turtles are unable to reproduce it until their mid 20s. This is mostly because it just takes a long time to learn that much Bob Seger.
4. A group of turtles is known as a “misery.” Example: “Sarah, look at that misery of turtles! Also, I don’t think it’s working out between us.”
5. If you say “turtle” three times in front of a mirror, suddenly you’ll get disappointed in yourself.
6. “Yertle,” the name of the turtle is Dr. Seuss’ well-known Yertle the Turtle, is considered an offensive slur in turtle culture. “That Yertle over there is about to get got. I mean dannggg.”
7. Turtles evolved from larger, turtle-like creatures called “Large Turtles” that lived during the Triassic Period. They were able to grow to such sizes due to the more oxygen-rich atmosphere of the early Earth. But it wasn’t just their size that grew–so did their egos. This is why God smote them.
8. Turtles will give you up.
9. Turtles will let you down.
10. Turtles will run around and desert you.
11. Turtles have three genders: male, female, and sassy.
12. A turtle’s brain is not the size of a peanut, but the size of several peanuts. Just how many peanuts remains a mystery.
13. Turtles rarely remember anniversaries and are known to be terrible gift-givers, which is the inspiration for the popular phrase: “As romantically stifled as a selfish selfish turtle.”
14. Turtles can’t hear consonants. To a turtle, the phrase, “You chew good stew, Drew,” would be heard as, “oo oo oo oo OOOOoooo.”
15. Turtles actually breathe through their skin, which is why it’s rude to keep a turtle in the bathroom.
16. Turtles are perfectly bilaterally symmetrical, both lengthwise and widthwise, as shown in figure 2.4.
17. Albino turtles aren’t white; they’re just more shy.
18. Turtles live up to 200 years, but they die for nearly 10–these “dead walkers” are a terror to quiet, rural, ocean communities.
19. Turtles are one of the few reptiles to breastfeed–off other animals.
20. Turtles can’t smell fear, but they can hear it, especially when you whisper, “Oooh girl.”
21. During pregnancy, turtles will exhibit strange food cravings, like pickles, raw butter, and decadent human flesh.
22. Turtles and tortoises are actually the same animal, much like pumas and mountain lions are the same, or hyenas and foxes.
23. The turtle’s jaw is strong enough to apply pressures of over 2000 Newtons, enough to bite a lithium battery in half, or crush a human skull to dust.
24. Turtles don’t blink, rather they engage in what biologists refer to as “team winking.”
25. If a turtle gets a piece of sand under its tongue, to rid itself of the obstruction it will slowly coat the particle in minerals until it grows large enough to expel. This solid, shiny, white substance is known as “ivory.”
26. The word “turtle” actually derives from the Greek word “Tortai,” which literally translates to “passion beast.” The Greeks believed turtles to be a powerful aphrodisiac.
Which is your favorite?