Hello. This is Reid again. I have some very important news to tell you: I love my girlfriend (her name is Candace). There. I’m glad I got it off my chest. Some of you may have already known this (stories of our love are widespread and can’t be exaggerated because it’s already awe inspiring), but that doesn’t mean it isn’t important news. Sometimes the news is about things that aren’t new at all that everybody already knows about. “Today on the news, some more people died, and a man shot a bird” –yeah, I know. But that doesn’t mean it’s not important.
Before I get to the questions, I thought I’d share a story with you. Over the weekend I went to visit Candace in her hometown (it’s far away and bigger than ours). There was a big carnival going on, and Candace and I got our pictures taken in a photo booth. Normally you only get to take four photos, but the photo booth (probably by some latent will of its own) gave us seven. This made us happy, because it gave us a chance to document some of our more experimental (and excessively desirous) kisses. But get this–right when we get out to grab our pictures, we see that an old man already went and grabbed them! He held them in his hands and said, “Long have I searched for the truest love in the world. I must keep this as a souvenir of your passion.” That’s when we noticed he was crying. I tried to grab him, but by the time I got there he had disappeared. So anyway, that’s why I don’t have the pictures to show you guys.
Since some of you marvelous and attentive (and probably my favorite) readers have been leaving questions in the comments, I thought I’d take the time to answer some of them.
how are turtles explaining how much you love candace explaining anything. im so lost
This question refers to a pie chart in the last article. In the chart, I illustrated that turtles comprise 2% of why I love Candace. I can understand how this could be confusing. You see, I don’t love Candace for her turtles, nor do I love Candace because of her many turtle-like qualities (patient, majestic, both land-and-water dwelling), but rather it is this: turtles give me the ability to love. If there were one thing I care about to a degree that though it can’t compare to my caring for Candace it could come close, it would be turtles. In studying and learning about turtles, I first learned what passion and love were. Thus, it is through turtles that I found the part of myself that is capable of love. I used to say that turtles were my “practice girlfriend.” Sometimes I still say this.
no offence, but if you ever happen to break up with candace, look me up.
First off: this is not technically a question. Second: how come you guys don’t like capitalizing words? I like to do it, SEE? DON’T YOU SEE HOW USEFUL THIS IS? Anyway, the_lol_chick, I am very flattered, but what you did here was very dangerous. I would suggest finding a safe place, perhaps changing your name (I would use “a_rofl_girl,” but that's just me). Candace gets super jealous whenever I talk to other women, I think because she’s afraid that the women will desire me, and the staggering romance of which I am capable. It doesn’t matter how old the women are—babies, adults, angels. She figures without certain social stigmas there’d be nothing to stop us from full-blown makeouts. Not that it matters; I love Candace with all my heart and even some other hearts that aren’t even mine. I’m sorry if this disappoints you, because you seem like you laugh out loud a lot, but we’re gonna be together forever.
What does the air feel like when you're kissing it?
I don’t really get how this question relates to anything, Miss Berry. I think if nothing else I have been very clear about this point: I almost exclusively kiss Candace. I suppose that sometimes when I am warming up with a round of solo-kisses (to prepare the lips and mind for, oh I don’t know, like hours of kissing), that perhaps the air might get kissed, but this is pretty miniscule in comparison to the, oh, I don’t know, like hours of kissing that Candace and I share with each other very regularly. I guess if I had to describe it, I would say it is very airy and insubstantial.
Well, these were some pretty good questions, but I think you guys were ignoring a big one, so I’ll go ahead and answer that one now.
What is Candace’s last name?
Well, that wraps it up for this week. If you have any further questions go ahead and leave them in the comments, I’ll answer them the best I can. And as always, I love you Candace.