Abraham Lincoln may have emancipated the slaves, but did he have the courage to take the podium at Gettysburg, look a divided America in the eye and ask, "My beloved countrymen…Are you ready for this jelly?"
No. He did not.
So we think it's great news—and frankly about damn time—that new mommy and musical darling Beyonce Knowles/Carter/Fierce will be immortalized in the pantheon of American legends right next to Steady Teddy Roosevelt and that cherry-chopping pie elitist George Washington.
According to a couple of dudes in the starlet's Houston hometown, a new monument/tourist attraction could be erected as early as Bey's b-day this September. Aforementioned dude Marcus Mitchell recently laid out his plans: "We wanted to construct, like, a massive hall so as the doors open…there will be clips of Beyonce with Destiny’s Child and wardrobe like a mini museum.”
So the next time you drive cross-country with your family, you can shed patriotic tears together at Mt. Rushmore, The Lincoln Memorial, and the Bootylicious Gallery of, Like, Pretty Dresses and Stuff (name pending).
Naturally, the news that Beyonce's beloved body of work would be immortalized (in a gaudy room full of junk funded by people who probably pirated all her albums) got all the other musicians kind of jealous. Here are some more musical monuments we'd love to see:
The Pyramids of Yeza
Upon hearing news of the planned Beyonce monument, showboat rapper Kanye West immediately assembled a dream team of international artists, architects, designers, city planners, and exotic animal trainers to draft plans for a multi-faceted memorial of his own.
Chicago's Pyramids of Yeza will serve not only as a sprawling tourist attraction (complete with the world's first 8-star hotel and billionaires-only casino/bathing pond), but also a glass mausoleum that will one day house the mortal remains of Kanye West, his certified gold- and platinum-selling records, and all future groupie-brides. According to an early work order from Kaye's estate, the pyramid's central chamber will contain a solid gold throne to serve as Yeezy's tomb "in the event that my soulless corpus does not instantaneously erupt in flame, ushering my glorious ascent to the heavens as a phoenix borne from the ashes of earthly mediocrity."
The plans later confirm that Kanye's entombment seat will face an enormous 40-acre champagne reflecting pool so that Ye may forever watch the throne.
The Flaming Lips of Oklahoma
Going for a ruthless power grab from the American Banjo Museum, the Oklahoma Cultural Committee's planned monument to native indie superstars The Flaming Lips is set to be the premier tourist destination of Oklahoma City. According to a blueprint of the proposed monument, curlicues of neon tubing will pipe a perpetually-burning, multicolored gas flame skyward through a giant gaping mouth constructed from vinyl records, model pink robots, and life-sized gummy fetuses. The blueprints make no mention of how monument staff will prevent the fetuses from melting. Do You Realize how sticky that could get??
Adele Presents: Roller-Coasterin' In The Deep
In recognition of the massive success of Adele's 21 (and her equally bum-kicking sweep of the Grammys last night), XL Recordings is teaming up with top UK amusement gurus to construct this cross-country musical thrill-ride that project managers say will "make Splash Mountain feel flatter than month-old Mountain Dew."
According to official plans, riders will board a hollow log with a carved figurehead of Adele's face at the bow. As "Rollin' In The Deep" begins to play through embedded speakers, the logs will follow a scenic path along the picturesque streets of Adele's Tottenham, England hometown, slowly mount a 70-foot slope of track as the song escalates to its first triumphant chorus, then go plunging into the Thames at 85 miles-an-hour. Riders continue jetting Eastward underwater until emerging somewhere in the North Sea at the song's end three minutes later. Warning: All Roller-Coasterin' In The Deep participants must be awesome at holding their breath.
Look for U.S. iterations of the Roller-Costerin' In The Deep franchise in Anaheim and Orlando this fall.
What other musical monuments are you stoked for?