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Cereal Mascot Tournament Round 1

Cereal Mascot Tournament Round 1

By RG Daniels

One of the greatest childhood experiences is tagging along with mom to the supermarket and picking out a cereal. It might be the first major decision of your life. What’ll it be for the next 7 to 10 days? The future is in your hands! The cartoon characters became familiar. Occasionally there would be some newcomer or some famous face promoting a movie. The classics always stick around, though. It's time to pit them against each other to see who reigns supreme. Ladies and gentlemen: The 1st and Only Annual Cereal Mascot Tournament!!! (Author’s note: Initial mascots were chosen based on longevity and popularity. They were ranked based on…um…SCIENCE. And also personal preference. Enjoy!)

Tony the Tiger vs. Cornelius the Corn Flakes Rooster

It’d be silly to think a ROOSTER could take down Tony. He is the alpha mascot in this tournament and poor Cornelius is a silly, little rooster who does nothing more than stares straight ahead while you wonder why you even chose to eat Corn Flakes in the first place. Now that we have alarm clocks, what’s the point of a rooster to wake us up anyway? Seems obvious that Tony will trounce this poor bird into submission. Winner: Tony the Tiger

Cap’n Crunch vs. Sunny the Raisin Bran Sun

The Captain is a leader: fearless and brave (you gotta be if you’re gonna eat those glass shards that pass as cereal).  The Sun? Let’s just say that a morning with two scoops of raisins and a clump of bran is enough to wish the morning were over sooner than later. Besides, the Captain is on his game 24/7. The sun eventually goes down…especially in Round 1. Winner: Cap’n Crunch

Snap, Crackle, & Pop vs. Lucky the Leprechaun

It’s our first handicapped match as the luck of the Irish takes on those 3 magical elves.  t would seem unfair for one leprechaun to take on three elves, but as far as we can tell that leprechaun has many tricks up his sleeve. The elves do nothing more than prance around their cereal as it “talks” to you after pouring milk over it. The elves put up a good fight with deceit and trickery. However, it is Lucky who gets clever and clones himself twice more so the fight is fair. Three elves against three Luckys is no contest. Winner: Lucky the Leprechaun

Fred Flintstone & Barney Rubble of Fruity Pebbles vs. Dig ‘Em Frog from Honey Smacks

Fred & Barney seem like good guys, but there is a lot of evil behind those Yabba Dabba Doos. They come from big money, are celebrities, and have a rabid fan base willing to do anything for the W. The frog is cunning, but has his work cut out for him.  How can he possibly overcome years of popularity with children, not to mention the mismatch of a frog versus two cavemen? The result is not pretty. Fred & Barney win in a landslide, and then use the frog as a bath sponge to wash their children. Winner: Fred Flintstone & Barney Rubble

Sonny the Cocoa Puffs Cuckoo Bird vs. Toucan Sam from Froot Loops

Everybody knows someone like Sonny—completely frikkin’ crazy! Would you wanna step in that person’s way? Toucan Sam was unfortunate enough to have to battle Sonny in Round 1. Sam is smart and The People’s Toucan, but it is not enough. Sonny uses sheer insanity to rain down a barrage of attacks on Toucan Sam, leaving him a feathered, rainbow-bloodied mess in his wake. That bird really is cuckoo! Winner: Sonny

Count Chocula vs. Sugar Bear from Super Golden Crisp

Count Chocula used to be intimidating, but other vampires have been making him look soft. True Blood and those Twilight dudes have not been doing the Count any favors. Regardless, the Count harnesses the power to take on Sugar Bear who, quite frankly, has not been relevant on the breakfast scene for a long time. Chocolate for breakfast is way better than those sugar puffy thingies. Winner: Count Chocula

Frankenberry vs. BuzzBee the Honey Nut Cheerios Honey Bee

We’ve got our first David vs. Goliath match. The towering size of Frankenberry against the tiny, resilient BuzzBee. The battle opens with BuzzBee getting all up in Frankenberry’s face, only to get smacked to the ground. As Frankenberry looms over BuzzBee, his giant, berry-flavored foot positioned to finally squash the little guy, a touch of honey sweetness kicks in! Up he goes! Float like a Honey Nut, sting like a bee! Down goes Franken! Down goes Franken! An historical upset! Winner: BuzzBee

Trix Rabbit vs. Cookie Crisp Chip

We almost replaced Cookie Crisp Chip with Mikey from Life cereal. However, when he showed up to train it was discovered that not only was he an adult, but that he was a human. Automatically DQ’d and in his place stands Cookie Crisp Chip, a relative newcomer to the cereal mascot scene. Chip and the Trix Rabbit seem evenly matched at first. They both can’t seem to get their hands on the cereal they love, which provides a hunger in their souls not unlike the hippos in that board game. Not known for their wits, these two are really going at it until Chip realizes that cookies for breakfast is waaaaay better than fruit. The rabbit has run out of steam. Chip seizes the opportunity and makes that rabbit look silly for the last time. The rookie has crashed the party and will move on! Winner: Cookie Crisp Chip

Tomorrow: Round 2.

Do you agree with our SCIENCE?

Tags: food, breakfast, life, brackets, wars, cereal

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About the Author
RG Daniels

RG Daniels is a writer living in Brooklyn, NY. He likes ‘90s one-hit wonders, breakfast for dinner, and koala bears. He is currently on Level 163 in Candy Crush.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.