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Cereal Mascot Tournament, Round 2

Cereal Mascot Tournament, Round 2

By RG Daniels

Previously in Round 1 we saw BuzzBee take down Frankenberry, Tony the Tiger dominate, and the flash of Fred Flintstone & Barney Rubble. Round 2 promises to be another action-packed series of matches between history’s greatest cereal mascots.

Tony the Tiger vs. Cookie Crisp Chip

Chip immediately opens this fight with the bizarre strategy of running in circles around Tony. Confused, Tony takes the bait and has trouble keeping track of track of Chip. Poised to take down Tony early in the fight, Chip pummels a dizzy Tony with lefts and rights. The tiger stands, dazed. Chip begins to howl his battle cry, “Cooooooo-kie Crisp!” The crowd is going wild, never expecting the wolf to pull it off. Could this be the end of Tony the Tiger??? No way. Distracted by his advantage in the fight, Chip never sees Tony reaching for what looks like…a handful of Cookie Crisp!

Chip’s eyes begin to spiral. The real taste of chocolate chip cookies as part of a complete breakfast has completely washed over him! He lunges for Tony’s hands, screaming at the top of his lungs, “It looks like chocolate chip cookies! Tastes like ‘em, too! But it’s a brea—“ and before he can finish Tony grabs him by the back of his neck and slams him down! Who woulda thought Tony would sink to such levels for a victory??? Chip tries to recover, but Tony claws at Chip’s face and let’s out a roar for all to hear. Chip is in trouble. Chocolate chip cookies are scattered all over. He is desperately reaching for cereal, not paying attention to Tony. The tiger finally defeats the wolf with a crushing stomp. He looks directly into the stands and says, “I’m G-r-r-r-r-eat!” He is showered with boos, but will advance to the next round. Winner: Tony the Tiger

Cap’n Crunch vs. BuzzBee

Fresh off his major upset of Frankenberry we learn that BuzzBee has been endlessly training for his fight with Cap’n Crunch. These are two fan favorites so it’s anyone’s guess who will succeed. The two begin things by sizing each other up, taking their time, and not attacking too quickly. BuzzBee knows he’ll have to lure the Cap’n if he has any shot at a win. The Cap’n, meanwhile, is being very patient and careful not to underestimate the bee. He gets a better look at the squeaky-voiced bug with his telescope.

BuzzBee is mustering up the power of Honey Nut Cheerios, but it is not throwing off the Cap’n. He is older and wiser than the bee. He lunges after the bee with a rolled-up newspaper! BuzzBee is dodging swat after swat! The crowd is rising to its feet. How long can Crunch keep this up? BuzzBee goes in for the knockout, stinging Crunch’s face, but to no avail. Crunch’s moustache has guarded him well. The stings have no effect! BuzzBee is wearing down. Cap’n Crunch grabs BuzzBee and squeezes the last touch of honey out of the little guy who surrenders to Cap’n Crunch in noble defeat.  The crowd gives BuzzBee a standing ovation and the Cap’n tips his hat to one of the toughest competitors in this tournament. Winner: Cap’n Crunch

Lucky the Leprechaun vs. Count Chocula

Perhaps one of the most anticipated match-ups of the second round. Who will emerge the victor as these two titans of breakfast square off? Before the fight Count Chocula was heard saying that Lucky is “tragically delicious.” There was also some debate when the Count requested his buddy (and recently defeated) Frankenberry to stand in his corner. The council denied his request. The Count has even more motivation to advance after being disrespected with a low seeding and now being denied the support of his fellow monster cereal.

Lucky begins the match by launching an onslaught of purple horseshoes at the Count. Chocula laughs it off. Lucky is unaware of the Count’s powers. Leprechauns and vampires have never battled. There is no cross-shaped marshmallow and unless Lucky Charms are frosted with garlic powder things do not look good for the little guy.

The Count turns into a bat and starts hounding Lucky. He is flapping this way and that, confusing him. Lucky is shooting stars at the Count! One by one he is launching the brightly lit flares in the Counts direction. The Count finally turns back into human form and seeks shelter behind his cape. Lucky magically places a pink heart on the Count and is going in for the kill! A stake through the heart will take down the vampire! But…he can’t reach!! Lucky is too short to reach the Count’s heart!! Chocula grabs Lucky and sinks his chocolatey teeth into his neck. A pair of rainbows shoot from his puny neck-holes. The crowd is in awe of the double-rainbow. Lucky struggles to get to his feet, sees the rainbows, and immediately begins chasing the end of them, hoping to find not one, but two pots of gold! It’s over. Lucky submits and we have a winner! Winner: Count Chocula

Fred Flintstone & Barney Rubble vs. Sonny the Cuckoo Bird

Fred & Barney have taken the tournament by storm. They have t-shirts, hats, posters, even an officially licensed toga their fans can wear. They are using every ounce of their celebrity to gain an advantage. A film crew has been following them around 24/7 for a new reality show titled, “Bedrock Unleashed.” Another crew has been filming their wives, Wilma & Betty, for their own show titled “CaveGirls”.  There is a media circus constantly swirling around these two behemoths. Sonny, however, has been left alone. There is a feeling throughout the tournament that seeing Sonny go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs is like throwing rocks at a hornet’s nest. He is unpredictable. How will Fred & Barney handle that? Let’s find out.

The match begins with Fred & Barney dancing around the ring, riling up their fans in the crowd. Twisted Sister’s “I Wanna Rock” is piping through the arena. Fred & Barney are soaking it all in as a crew of assistants begin tossing out boxes of Fruity Pebbles to the crowd. It is quite a scene. Sonny, meanwhile, is standing in the ring, focused. Fred & Barney finally make their way over to Sonny and double-team the bird with punches, kicks, head butts, caveman clubs, and everything, but the kitchen sink. Nothing.

Fred bellows, “Yabba Dabba Doo!” The crowd gets fired up! Fred swings Barney by his feet, and then launches him at Sonny. Nothing. The crowd is growing restless. Chants of “Flint-stone Force” are raining down on the fighters. Fred & Barney prepare for their finishing move. Fred & Barney stand on opposite sides of the ring. They get into a runner’s stance. Together they will sandwich Sonny and crush him into submission! They pull it off! The crowd goes wild! But…but…Sonny is still on his feet! Nothing! Nothing will take this lunatic bird down!

A small boy in the stands holds up a box of Cocoa Puffs. Sonny immediately sees it. His eyes begin to spiral, the urge is building, from the bottom of his feet to the top of his head…Sonny is—CUCKOO FOR COCOA PUFFS! He grabs Barney and crumples him up, using him as a dodgeball against Fred. Flintstone doesn’t know what hit him! The crowd is falling silent! What is happening??? Sonny grabs Fred and Barney together, ties them together, and forms a lasso. He ropes the box of Cocoa Puffs and draws it toward him. Fred and Barney come undone and Sonny is standing in the middle of the ring, completely unfazed with one foot on the cavemen. Sonny has beaten Fred Flintstone & Barney Rubble!! Winner: Sonny the Cuckoo Bird

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Tags: breakfast, life, foods, brackets, cereal

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About the Author
RG Daniels

RG Daniels is a writer living in Brooklyn, NY. He likes ‘90s one-hit wonders, breakfast for dinner, and koala bears. He is currently on Level 163 in Candy Crush.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.

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