Hey everybody. I have some terrible news. It pains me to say, but Candace (my girlfriend) and I broke up this week.
Are you guys done laughing yet? Sorry I started off like that, but I thought it would be good to begin with a hilarious joke. Do you not get the joke? Let me explain: the idea that the love between Candace and I could ever fade is so laughable that it makes Ghostbusters look like a dog funeral (the least funny thing ever). Candace and I breaking up is so absurd it could make a person who has never laughed in their whole life laugh like a baby girl, and then burst into flames. It’s very similar to this joke: hey guys, did you hear the sun is going to stop rising, and that candles are going to stop being the best present to buy your mom? You see, all these situations are impossible. You see, the joke is better when I explain it.
Before I hop in, I’m sorry so many of you were irredeemably scarred by last week’s picture (a graphic representation of Candace and me going full makeout). I guess it can be a little shocking to have the truest love ever flaunted in your face like that. If I ruined your day, I’m sorry, but be consoled by this fact: even if you only get to feel a tenth of the love Candace and I share, that is still the second greatest love in the whole world. As consolation, I made an impressively tame drawing for this week. Let’s get to the questions!
Why haven't you introduced Candace to any of your friends? Is she not important enough to meet your bros? Or are you afraid she might leave you for one of them? Or are you afraid that one of your pals will fall inexplicably in love with her due to a mischievious wood sprite's love potion? Or perhaps that two beings of such awesome levels when together can provide a love so strong that the eyebrows of everyone around them are instantaneously incinerated? Or some other totes reasonable reason?
First: wood Sprite sounds gross. Lemon and lime are vibrant enough flavors to enjoy; I don’t know why you would bring cellulose into the equation. As for your real question: I’m not entirely afraid for the eyebrows of my friends (even though I have so many that statistically one of them probably has an eyebrow problem), but rather I’m afraid for the rest of their lives. Seeing true love like ours can ruin a person. Here’s an example: imagine you’re a person who enjoys comedy. Now imagine someone (a talented young man), just told you the greatest joke ever: “Candace and I broke up this week.” You laugh so hard that you lose your voice and go blind in one eye, and you’re happy about this. But after you’re done laughing (several days later), you realize you will never laugh this hard again. Ever. From this point on, nothing will ever feel so good; foods taste less sweet, polyester seems less fashionable, dogs seem less friendly. My question: how do you go on living your life? You probably grow up to be an accountant, because nothing except the cold embrace of numbers comforts you anymore, and all other attempts are humor are simply insults. That’s a tough life to live, and that is why I can’t introduce Candace to my friends. I don’t want them to be accountants.
How old is Candace? How long have you two been going out? Where does she live?
You should never ask a lady for her age–it takes away from the mystery. As punishment for such impudence, I refuse to answer your second question. As for your third, Candace lives in … Keanu. I forget what state it’s in, it’s either Maine or Oklahoma; I somehow forget that fact in the midst of all the passion. Also, don’t try to Google it. The town purposely keeps a diminished internet visibility so that they aren’t bothered by all the tourists—there’s a lot of famous people that live there, you can see them walking around on the streets, and the mayor doesn’t want to disturb them. Did I mention the mayor knows me by name? She even has a nickname for me: Handsome. Yeah, it’s a pretty cool place.
Does Candace get upset when you talk to your mother, sisters, nieces, cousins, aunts, and grannies? (As they are all women.) Does she also enjoy watching you sleep and telling you that you are her life now? Because I think she reminds me of someone...
Candace does occasionally get upset when I talk to women I’m related to—she’s afraid any woman will get jealous and try to claim me, and that means any woman. She’s even doesn’t trust boys with long hair, because they’re just that much closer to looking like ladies. This is why I’m so awkward around girls. I’m actually extremely suave, but I can’t risk making other people jealous. Also, we never watch each other sleep because we synchronized our internal clocks so we never have to be awake without each other.
What are you doing on Valentines Day?
We don’t need to celebrate Valentine’s Day, as every day is a perfect expression of our love.
That’s it for this week. Leave me some more questions in the comments, and I’ll answer them the best I can! See you next week, and as always: I love you Candace.