There’s plenty of hubbub about saving endangered species—owls, wolves, wolf-owls. But few people ever ask the question that really matters: why are they endangered? Well. Okay. Let me clarify. In actuality there are probably a few hundred biologists that routinely ask that question, but let me phrase it differently: don’t we want some of these animals endangered? Some of these animals are jerks, scary, or God forbid, scary jerks. I’m always down for biodiversity, but I’m even more down for not being afraid of being viciously devoured. Of course, I am talking about the polar bear. I am not saying it is a bad animal, or that it does not deserve to live, but I will say this: polar bears are one of the few animals that eat humans. I learned that straight from wikipedia—this means it’s serious. Are you sufficiently afraid? Good. Let’s talk strategy.
WAYS NOT TO SAVE THE POLAR BEAR
1. Eat more hot dogs. Ask yourself a question: do I know what’s in a hot dog? Now give yourself the answer: no, I do not. Personally, I have never learned what goes into making these ballpark delicacies, nor will I ever learn. However, it should be noted that the decrease in polar bear populations suspiciously correlated with the increase in hot dog sales the last twenty years. As correlation always equals causation, I can safely state that a vote for hot dogs is a vote against polar bears.
2. Increase global warming. Warm up the planet! Those polar bears hate it when you do that! Grab some dirt! Toss it in the microwave! Is that how this works?
3. Demand Coca Cola make more accurate ads. We are all familiar, I am sure, with Coca Cola’s commercials featuring cute-ified versions of the Death Bear. (I just gave polar bears a new nickname!) In these ads, Death Bears cuddle up and watch television, chase after elusive, slippery coke bottles, and make a wide gamut of adorably anthropomorphic noises. This is not how polar bears actually act. Show a bear devouring an innocent seal! Show a Death Bear in a blind rage attacking a walrus! Show one of these monsters keying your dad’s car! Let’s see how long the public likes polar bears after that.
4. Disrupt the food chain. Polar bears, like all animals, are part of a richly interconnected food chain that includes all varieties of organisms. As I mentioned before, the problem is that they’re at the top of our food chain—they are unstoppable human-eating machines and must be stopped. By simply cutting out one of the lower links, the whole chain falls apart.
As this chart indicates, there’s a whole variety of stuff you could cut out! Plants, photons, heck, if we just remove that funny human-looking creature that’s right below the Death Bear, they’d be outta here like that (the author snaps his fingers). Save the humans! Kill the human-looking creatures!
5. The Secret. I’m not sure if you’re a part of the Oprah Winfrey Book Club, but if you were, then you would know about a little thing called The Secret. Essentially, it boils down to this: positive thinking can have a direct influence on reality. You want a good grade? Think positively, visualize the grade, and it will happen. You want to stop the reign of a ruthless killing machine? Simple: think positive! You can also make vision boards, which are collages or drawings of what you want to happen in your life. Here’s the one I made!
6. Watch more Christopher Nolan movies. Christopher Nolan is an amazing director. The Dark Knight, Inception, Memento, The Prestige—the guy has an amazing track record. But with all that notoriety and monetary success, many famous people begin to treat themselves to things only ridiculous amounts of money can buy. Needless to say, Christopher Nolan has his share of exotic appetites. To paraphrase: the dude eats polar bears. I read it somewhere. Don’t ask me where. Just start spreading this around. For every dollar his movies make that’s another endangered species he consumes. A vote for hot dogs or Christopher Nolan is a vote against polar bears.
7. Say cuss words. My mom always told me that every time I said a swear a polar bear falls into a bottomless pit and never comes back. What? You don’t believe me? Are you calling my mom a liar? Come out back, we’ll throw down. Daannnggg.
8. Contribute to the polar bear’s natural enemy. As they say, the enemy of my enemy is my friend. You want to stop the polar bear? Then help support the polar bear’s natural enemy: comments on this article. (Ooh, how clever of me. Really though. Polar bears hate interaction with the reading community. It bothers them like heck.)
How are you going to not save the polar bears (hint: the last one)?