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The World Cannot Get Enough Turtle Facts

The World Cannot Get Enough Turtle Facts

By reidfaylor

I suppose you didn’t even think it was possible, but it is: I have even more turtle facts. Again, I was technically able to cite these facts; I honestly just didn’t feel like it. I’ve set a precedent of no citations, who am I to break it? I’m happy you all understand. Now please, open your minds, and receive my selfless gift of turtle knowledge.

  1. The turtle’s closest genetic relative is the jellyfish.
  2. Turtles carry their young in both an internal sac, like a marsupial, and an external sac, like a grocery bag.
  3. Turtles cannot view 3D movies, because they would never pay the extra $3.
  4. Turtles have an amazing spatial memory; if you play with their action figures they’ll know right away, so don’t do it, Jeremy.
  5. A turtle’s front teeth never stop growing, which is why they so often chew on wood, or human bones.
  6. The turtle’s rough skin is not just protective and decorative—it also spells words in Braille. However, most of the words are insults and swears, which explains the tension between turtles and the blind.
  7. Turtles in their larvae phase are actually parasitic, their host organism being upright mammals. This is where the flu comes from.
  8. The turtle was initially proposed to be the national bird of the United States of America, but the eagle was chosen instead. At the time, Benjamin Franklin argued the turtle was “simply too erotic.”
  9. Turtles choose a mate for life, although turtle divorce rates have been on the rise the last few years.
  10. Some turtles are poisonous. The South African Hissing Turtle has a burr on its hind legs that releases a potent neurotoxin, excellent for disabling predators or livening up dull parties.
  11. The song “You’re So Vain” is actually about turtles.
  12. The song “American Pie” is actually about turtles.
  13. The song “Happy Birthday” is actually about turtles.
  14. Turtles are known for their impeccable hygiene. Turtles will commonly sit in groups, grooming each other for insects, and getting their nails did. They are also very liberal with male fragrance.
  15. Turtles can only see in two dimensions: length and width. While this makes driving very difficult, it also explains why turtles are so rarely insecure about their body image.
  16. Turtles in the wild can separate their head from their body as a means to deceive predators. Once the predator leaves, the head will then regrow the entire body. Such “false bodies” initially led many scientists to overestimate turtle populations by over 10 times. In actuality, there are only 20 turtles.
  17. Turtles are the only animal to perform photosynthesis, and they won’t stop talking about it.
  18. Turtles, like the Inuit, cannot break down most processed sugars, which makes their love of Reese’s Cups God’s cruelest joke.
  19. Turtles cannot physically see triangles. Thus, sadly, to turtles, the Triforce is meaningless.
  20. Teenage turtles are known to be extremely moody, as illustrated by Will Smith’s opus “Parents Just Don’t Understand” (which is also about turtles).
  21. Turtles display emotions very differently from humans. They frown when they’re happy, smile when they’re mad, cry when they’re bored, and vomit intensely when they’re in love. This “love-vom” accumulates during mating season, leading to what coastal communities refer to as “Turtle Tide.”
  22. Swimmers are not allowed to swim during Turtle Tide because it is “totally gross.”
  23. Turtles don’t even like movies. I do though—hey, what are you guys up to tonight?
  24. Turtles have a very complex life cycle: they start off as spores, grow into immobile polyps, and then transform via cocoon into tadpoles, which grow into fully formed turtles. Then another couple things happen, I’m not sure what, and they finally end their cycle by becoming falcons. You guys should’ve seen the citation on this one—it was pretty impressive. But nope, nope, nope. Man. What a citation.
  25. In more dangerous turtle cities, like Sea Detroit, Sea Baltimore, and Turtle Miami, many young turtles are pressured into joining gangs. Among the more prominent ones: Blood and Shells, The Unforgivably Rude Sparkies, the Despicable Yertles, the Latin Kings (turtle division), and Slow and Steady Wins the Race War.
  26. In the turtle community, non-turtles are referred to as “muggles.”
Tags: lists, turtles, life, funniest, facts

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About the Author
reidfaylor

Reid Faylor is a stand-up comedian, cartoonist, writer, and whimsically bearded gentleman living in New York City. He owns a cat named Mr. President. You can follow his tumblr at reidfaylor.tumblr.com.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.