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What to Do to Ensure You Don't Ruin Prom for Some Poor Girl

What to Do to Ensure You Don't Ruin Prom for Some Poor Girl

By Josh Perilo

Think about prom from the point of view of the girl. All they want to do is dress up, spend some time with someone they like a whole lot, eat a nice meal, and get down on the dance floor. And yet, somehow, guys manage to screw that simple combination up year after year.

We don’t want to ruin prom. In fact, oftentimes when we are in the process of ruining said prom, we don’t even realize it. That’s why we at The MindHut Dating Complication Avoidance Center have put together a concise list of things to do (and NOT to do) to ensure that you don’t especially ruin prom for some poor girl. Again.

Wash Yourself
It’s that time of month again, fellas. This is a special occasion where you will be surrounded by hundreds of other people who have also bathed. So if you decide to go au natch, the prom band isn’t going to be the only thing that’s funky. Just think about that sweet girl you’ll be escorting to the dance and ask yourself, “did she bathe today?” If the answer is “probably,” then you should kick it up a notch and scrub off some of that nerd film, too. If, for some reason, she didn’t bathe, then maybe the two of you should skip the prom and just hit a midnight showing of “The Hunger Games.”

Don’t Ride a Tiger (or Other Exotic Wildcat) to the Prom Instead of Renting a Limo
We know, we know… why would anyone NOT want to ride into prom on the back of an almost domesticated lion, cougar, or panther? Ours is not to answer the hard questions, but just to present the facts. Fact: girls like cats. But, also, fact: girls don’t like “riding” things when they’re dressed up. Fact: girls love surprises. However, fact: girls love surprises that won’t eat them. Or, more importantly, possibly put a rip in their tights or crinoline dresses. So, save the Mail Order Cheetah Kidnapping Kit for Homecoming next year when you go stag.

Leave the Magic Set at Home
David Copperfield is crawling with chicks, so it isn’t a huge stretch to think that bringing some magic to prom could bring some “magic” to prom, so to speak. Unfortunately, the logic doesn’t transfer. While entertaining the guests in line to have their pictures taken with a classic linking rings illusion seems considerate, you’re really taking time away that you could be spending courting your date. And when you wheel out the Cut the Lady in Two box right before the prom court procession, you could be sending a mixed message to your sweetheart like “I only want half of you,” or “We should be seeing LESS of each other.” Consider that before grabbing your vanishing coins as you head out for the night.

Refrain From Referring to Your Date as “Her Royal Highness, the Queen of Cal’Carptra, Kingdom of Grey Elves from the Northern Wastelands”
It’s important to be proud of your accomplishments, and you should, by no means, hide your light under a bushel, but prom may not be the best place to crown your date Queen of the Elven Lair. She’ll be confused, and the dance floor just won’t allow you the time needed to give the girl of your dreams a primer on the elaborate world you’ve created for the role playing game that you and your friends play. Whether it’s Dungeons and Dragons, WoW, or just a strange jumble of graph paper maps and drawings of half-dragon half-bikini model overlords, it all falls under the same heading: save for later.

Go To Dinner at a Place That Actually Serves Food
How amazing would it be to take your prom date to a gun range for dinner before the dance? Answer: very! It would also be ridiculously awesome to take you date to dinner at the edge of town where they have those massive tunneling machines that are being used to dig the new sewer lines. Both places are so cool! Both places also don’t serve food. The rule of thumb to keep the girl happy is: Just because it’s awesome, doesn’t mean it serves food. It is easy to become blind to this, what with all the awesome places that don’t serve food, but just try to save the toy store, the landfill, and the empty pool with a nest of rabid hedgehogs in it for AFTER the prom.

When Meeting Her Parents, Don’t Challenge Her Father to a Pancake Syrup Duel
You want to make a strong first impression when you meet the Ps. There is a thin line between being memorable and getting someone to call the cops on you, though. Be strong and present yourself as having your own opinions on things. It’ll make you look like you aren’t just a brown noser. But pick your battles. If the girl’s dad mentions that he had eggs for breakfast, for example, don’t follow that up by saying “What?! Where are we, a Kansas farmhouse in the Great Depression!? Who eats EGGS? I mean, seriously! If you don’t eat pancakes and waffles for the Break-Break then I SERIOUSLY QUESTION YOUR MANHOOD!!!” While you may think that challenging her old man to a mano y mano Butterworth battle, your best bet is to disagree, if you must, on a much more neutral subject. Like lunchmeat.

Tags: prom, girls, life, role playing games, magic tricks

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