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Reid Faylor Has a Girlfriend: Beard Facts

Reid Faylor Has a Girlfriend: Beard Facts

By reidfaylor

Hello my fair and attentive readers!

I’m glad you can join me again. I got some good questions this week, and also some questions that angered me so much I bit my own tongue. I’ll get to the questions in a moment, but first an update: Candace and I love each other a whole lot. Now let’s get to the questions!

FROM: PlathAddict16

If she lives far away, how do you really know your internal clocks are synchronized?

Great question! Of course, it really taps into a larger question: how does your love conquer the great distance that separates you? The answer is really quite remarkable. You know how some twins have an inner connectedness that allows them to telepathically communicate with one another (or so I am told)? Well, Candace and I have that as well, but of course, a superior version. It’s called text messaging, and by using a common cellular phone, we are able to communicate through the air itself. As far as I’ve been told, we are among very few chosen by the government to test this new technology, and we were chosen because the President has a crush on Candace (or so I am told). We even have our own language we communicate in, which makes use of acronyms and random symbol combinations to represent emotion. Take this message for example: “hey honey babes LOL i am going 2 sleeps soon B-)” The “LOL” is an acronym, meaning “lucky old luck,” the “B-)” is a man with a bottom for eyes, meaning she is looking at someone’s bottom, and the “2” of course means two. The message, translated, thus informs me that she will be engaging readily in double sleep, because she tired herself by looking at bottoms all day, which she considers to be very lucky. I think this completely answers your question.

FROM: obscureclouds

What does Candace think of you having a scruffy beard? Not to be rude but most girls I know think scruffy beards are kind of gross...

Oh boy, I know jealousy when I read it. I’m sure you would like to comfort yourself with such delusions as thinking that even a small percentage of ladies don’t like thick wooly beards, but it simply isn’t true. Every lady ever loves every beard. This is why lumberjacks are so popular, and why the Civil War is considered America’s sexiest war. It’s a science fact so true I don’t even need to cite it. But perhaps you have not fully considered the issue; so to convince you, I will share some of my personal beard facts.

  1. I condition my beard constantly, so that it is super smooth and soft. It is the equivalent of having a pillow attached to your face. Ladies like this because ladies like pillows (as I’ve been led to believe by Bed Bath & Beyond commercials).
  2. When I eat an ice cream cone, it gets pretty much all over my beard, which I’ve been told is very sexy.
  3. Trimming my beard leaves clumps of beard hair all over the bathroom floor, thus cleaning it up is another thing Candace and I can do together. Doing things together strengthens love.
  4. Even the Beatles had beards, and nobody actually liked them until they did.
  5. You can hide spare keys in my beard if it gets thick enough, which Candace says is very useful.
  6. The turtle’s heart does not actually pump blood; rather it beats purely to give the turtle rhythm.

I think I mixed this list up with another list at the end, but I proved my point nonetheless: ladies love beards. Candace, being a lady, thus loves it thusly.

FROM: ChRivas

Ok i have a real question Mr. Faylor. Why can we never see a real picture of Candace and your self together not just a drawing?

ChRivas, I know I can’t expect you to have read all the articles I’ve written about my amazing girlfriend, but I expect you to have read all the articles I’ve written about my amazing girlfriend. I answered this question two articles ago, as you can see here. The summary: all her photos burned in a fire, and it doesn’t matter anyway because she’s like Bigfoot. As punishment, here is a drawing of my head shaking itself sternly at you.

That’s it for this week. Again, leave questions in the comments, and I’ll answer them or perhaps just sass you real good. Oh man, such sassin’. Thanks for all the questions, and as always: I love you, Candace.

Tags: girls, funniest, reid faylor has a girlfriend

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About the Author
reidfaylor

Reid Faylor is a stand-up comedian, cartoonist, writer, and whimsically bearded gentleman living in New York City. He doesn't have a cat yet, but when he does he will name it "Jelly Bones" or "Future Cat." You can follow him on twitter @reid_faylor.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.

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