I'm sorry, but I just can't stop it. I can't stop these turtle facts. It's like a faucet, and the water keeps coming out, and right when I try to turn it off I remember that I'm afraid of faucets. And also, instead of water, it's turtle facts. You see, that explains why they can't stop. It was a very good analogy. As if it even needs to be said, these are all 100%, no, 200% true. They're double true—that's double the true for half the time. They're so true I didn't even write these—they are taken entirely word for word from an encyclopedia. Which one? I don't remember, and I don't care. One of the big ones though. The ones full of 200% true facts.
1. All turtles are left handed, which is why you rarely see them using scissors.
2. Turtle, spelled backwards, is “el turt,” which is also the Spanish word for “turtle.”
3. Turtles cannot hear keyboards, making most music from the '80s meaningless to them.
4. Seeing a turtle fall from a swing set was what inspired Sir Isaac Newton to develop the theory of gravity, and hearing a turtle speak was what inspired him to lose his mind.
5. Turtles write in binary, but read in Hebrew.
6. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the popular cartoon, movie, and toy franchise from the mid '90s, was actually based on a true story about four (teenage) turtles who crawled into a mysterious and toxic puddle of green slime. The turtles were quickly admitted to turtle hospital and died weeks later from the resulting complications. Though the films were true to the story in many regards, the crime fighting was mostly a fabrication.
7. In zero gravity, much unlike other animals, turtles remain calm and comfortable. This has led many scientists to propose the hypothesis that turtles are fricking awesome.
8. Turtles never lose their baby teeth, fueling their animosity towards the tooth fairy, or as turtles call her, “liar.”
9. The lack of clothes is mostly what makes a turtle funeral so casual.
10. Turtles are immune to most poisons, even lava.
11. Most turtles in a hive function as worker turtles—digging tunnels, defending the colony, and aiding the queen turtle, who is reverently called “Jared.”
12. A turtle can lift over 20 times their own mass, which is a similar number to the amount of ice cream they can consume.
13. The turtle’s shell is a natural prism—by shining light through it, the light will refract into a rainbow. Curiously though, if you shine refracted light through the shell, it will come out as UV light, or “black light.” In reality, most black lights are actually turtles; this explains why most laser tag establishments are paired with aquariums.
14. Turtle, spelled backwards, is “evil.”
15. Turtles know the unified theory of physics, but due to a longstanding feud with Einstein (he once stood a turtle up on a date), they refuse to tell.
16. While only marginally popular in America, turtles are quite big in Japan, as we can see in the popular Japanese icon “Hello Turtle.”
17. Turtles have accurately predicted that the internet is “just a fad.”
18. Surpassing the cat and even the dog, the turtle is by far the most popular presidential pet, due to their ease around children and their clever jokes.
19. If a turtle is flipped on its back, it will never right itself. It just loses the will to live, saddened by the fact that anybody would be so rude to do this to them. Seriously, Jeremy, you can’t go around doing that.
20. Turtles are passive aggressive up to the point you start insulting their mom.
21. "Yo mama" jokes are considered by turtles to be the rudest kind of joke. Examples: “Turtle, yo mama is soooo both aquatic and land based that many people assume her to be an amphibian—which is just not true.” “Hey turtle, yo mama can see soooo few triangles that she thinks the Great Pyramids just look like a butt.” “Turtle, yo mama is soooo stupid she wears clothes to a turtle funeral."
22. Turtles possess a rare kind of telekinesis in which using their mind they can move nearly any kind of Canadian coin. Called “coinomancy,” this power is often scorned due to Canada’s strict anti-turtle policies.
23. The turtle’s antlers were so popular as ornamentation in the homes of aristocrats that in the early 1800s poachers nearly hunted turtles to extinction. Thankfully, the practice quickly ended upon the startling discovery that turtles do not have antlers.
24. In the end, the love you take is equal to the turtles you make.
25. To turtles, the greatest treasure of all is not gold or diamonds, but friendship.
What's your favorite turtle fact?