The Oscars are a night full of revelation. We now know, for example, that the makeup artist who made Meryl Streep look like an old lady is somehow more impressive than the team of artists who made a legion of actors look like Gringotts employees. We know that, no matter how much praise his acting may be awarded, Jonah Hill will forever be known ny his elders as the chubby kid who probably loves cupcakes. And we know, once and for all, that Emma Stone is a freakin' Amazon.
If you missed last night's 84th Annual Academy Awards Ceremony and Hollywood Smirk-athon, don't fret! We've got the night's highlights meticulously cataloged by the numbers below. Numbers just make us happy, OK? We're geeky like that.
Review our guide to the nominees here, and read the full (totally joke-less and not as worthy of your valuable time as, say, just re-read this page four or five times in succession) list of award winners here. Aaaaand, cue the music!
The 84th Academy Awards By The Numbers (insert triumphant timpani solo here):
Awards given out last night
Awards most people care about
Oscar-winning films that Flight of the Concords' Bret McKenzie has now appeared in (long live Figwit!)
Academy Award nominations racked up by Martin Scorsese's Hugo, the Oscar frontrunner this year
RAZZIE Worst in Film nominations racked up by Adam Sandler (including Worst Actress in a Leading Role) for Jack and Jill, an abomination unto culture itself.
Mooks beaten to death with baseball bats in Scorsese's Hugo
Oscars Hugo won anyway
Minutes it takes to watch this year's Best Picture, The Artist
Minutes it takes to watch a bunch of actors in suits and fancy dresses award The Artist a tiny metal statue proclaiming it the Best Picture
Years since a silent film won Best Picture
Years Best Cinematographer Robert Richardson has been living in a cave in the Himalayas
Event staff Christian Bale needlessly pummeled with forearm shivers between the green room and center stage
Village tailors blinded with sulfuric acid after completing assembly of Gwyneth Paltrow's dress that they may never replicate its beauty for any lesser woman
Minutes following Octavia Spencer's Best Supporting Actress win before Billy Crystal made a joke about how there aren't many black people in Hollywood.
Total muppets in attendance (Kermit, Piggy, Zach Galifianakis )
Seconds the three ecstatic young Best Documentary winners for Undefeated were allowed to thank their loved ones before their mic was rudely cut off
Seconds Cirque Du Soleil was allowed to silently dance around the stage in tights, uninterrupted
Number of legs we are now ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE Angelina Jolie possesses
Dinners burnt across America because mom was too enraptured with Morgan Freeman's hypnotizing monologue to check the oven
Pounds of frog legs and escargot consumed in ravenous delight last night by the cast and crew of The Artist
Oscar nominations earned by the Harry Potter franchise in 10 years
Oscars won by the Harry Potter franchise in ten years
Hours of sleep lost by richest-woman-in-the-universe J.K. Rowling
Meryl Streep's (record setting) number of career Oscar nominations
Nominations Meryl Streep still needs to win a free sub sandwich
1/2 of America
Who Meryl Streep admits she could "hear groaning" when she won Best Actress for her role in The Iron Lady
1/2 of the Academy Award attendants
The only people in America who have actually seen The Iron Lady
Did you watch the Oscars?