We have done an exhaustive search throughout the high schools of America, and we think we have finally found the worst gym teacher, ever. To protect the anonymity of his coworkers and students, we have kept the school that he works for a secret.
The following is an interview I conducted with Coach Roger Janekelek after telling him that he was nominated for the Outstanding Gym Teacher of the Year Award:
Me: Thank you for doing this interview, Mr. Janekelek.
RJ: Call me Coach J. Or just coach. Wait… crap! Did you hear something? Did someone follow you here!? Did someone tail you when you came up in here, son!? Are you alone?!
Me: I came by myself.
RJ: You wearing a wire?
Me: No, but I will be writing down our conversation. Because I’m interviewing you.
RJ: I got my eye on you, son.
Me: Okay. So… what do you think is the most important function of the gym class in today’s high school?
RJ: Kill or be killed. That’s what it comes down to. Do or die. All this crud… Blu Ray discs, phones with computers inside them, tacos with soft AND crunchy shells at the same time. It’s all temporary. Once that all gets knocked off the top of the table by the hand of the almighty, it’s crap or get off the pot time, boy.
Me: I don’t think I completely follow.
RJ: Sure, I’m just like the next guy. I converted my basement into a fallout shelter and stocked five months worth of shelf stable dairy and canned goods next to my arsenal of semi-autos right before Y-2K. But really surviving the apocalypse… there ain’t a can of tuna or box of Parmalat that’ll get you through that. You gotta get out of your iPhone fantasy land and into the world of pain! That’s where gym class comes in. Did you know that Pokemon is Chinese communist propaganda?
Me: I’m pretty sure that Pokemon is Japanese.
RJ: They got you believing that, too, huh?
Me: So, your idea behind gym class is that you’re preparing the young men and women of America for the apocalypse?
RJ: I’m preparing them for the apocalypses. Plural. The world ain’t ending once. It’s gunna be nuclear war. Then, once that’s over and everybody comes out of their shelters, that’s when the asteroid’s gunna hit. Then it’s gunna be clouds of locusts devouring the flesh of the living. Then the zombies. There’s gunna be a bunch of them.
Me: Do you expect there to be a zombie epidemic?
RJ: What do you think that TV show Walking Dead is? Government propaganda trying to make us all think zombies are just a figment of our imagination! Implanting us with bad advice on how to kill a walker. That way, when the CIA releases the zombie disease in 2025, only those of us who have read The Seven Levels of Destruction will be prepared.
Me: The Seven Levels of Destruction?
RJ: It’s a handbook I wrote on how to survive the seven coming apocalypses. That and an athletic supporter are standard issue in every single gym class I teach.
Me:: Unless you’re a girl.
RJ: I don’t teach girls.
Me: Right. So, if there was one important idea you could impart to the young gym class attendees of today’s high school, what would it be?
RJ: One, learn how to field strip and clean a Kalashnikov. Two, begin weaning yourself onto the taste of your own urine. Believe me, it isn’t bad once you’re used to it. Three, when you hear the sirens go off, swallow a two pound bag of brown rice. Four, Start every day by punching yourself in the face and eating five raw eggs. Five, clean out your fallout shelter for the interview this afternoon…
Me: Are you just reading your to do list for today?
RJ: SIX! Punch the interviewer in the face and feed him five raw eggs! Seven, threaten to punch the interviewer in the face just to see him wet his fancy Harvard pants.
Me: Okay, well I guess that about covers it. How do you get out of this fallout shelter, by the way?
RJ: Once the door closes it doesn’t open back up until the year 2026.
(Coach offers the interviewer a box of Parmalat)
RJ: Shelf stable milk?