It’s over. Finished. Done. Kaput! It was the best 20 days of your life, but now she has moved on. Cheer up, Soldier. It ain’t the end of the world (unless the Mayans are right). The only way to get strong is to experience pain, then fight through it. Luckily, you got help on your side. Here's what to do:
Paint/draw/illustrate/animate the Robot Apocalypse
The day the machines take over is right around the corner, probably. What better way to lead the Cyborg Renaissance than with your own rendition of how it goes down? Every great artist is inspired. Some get so inspired they chop of ears (like that Van Gogh fella) and send ‘em to their lady. Actually, don’t do that. Instead, hang on to your sanity. Tap into your artistic side and start creating.
Throw stuff off of a bridge/cliff
Okay, first things first: DO NOT THROW STUFF ONTO PEOPLE OR CARS. I can't be responsible for anymore lawsuits, according to my parole officer. You wanna start trouble, then tell my sister she’s fat. This cathartic technique is designed to take your mind off your breakup (SAFELY) and let’s be honest, is there anything cooler than watching something go splat? Correct! There isn’t. I recommend finding a nice location set high above some rocks and using eggs, fruit, or bags of flour. There is something beautiful about watching a cantaloupe completely explode in a furious blur of orange melon. If you’re on a bridge over water, try using a watermelon. Let ‘er rip and watch that thing splash like Santa Clause doing a cannonball.
Get a round of dodgeball going
When I was a kid we played dodgeball. It was fun, got us running around, and was a great way to learn survival if you ever found yourself in a moshpit. Round up your boys and get a game going! There is no possible way you’re gonna think about what's-her-name when you’re frantically trying to escape some lunatic with a red rubber ball. It’ll build your confidence, too. Think about the power you have when that ball is in your hands and some chump is running scared, saying his prayers, and never wishing he got into this game. Have some fun, but watch the headhunting. These are your boys, not your enemies, and you wanna be able to get another round going the day they get dumped.
Rent the Jackie Chan classics
Before he was confusing Chris Tucker in those Rush Hour flicks, Jackie Chan was a real kung fu action badass in Hong Kong. With so many hokey action stories out there, you owe it to yourself to check out some of his best work.Besides, you might have spent too much time on rom coms ‘cuz of your ex or even worse, the Twilight saga. Make sure to check out Supercop, Rumble in the Bronx, Jackie Chan’s First Strike, and if you really wanna take it old school watch Drunken Master when he wasn’t called "Jackie" yet—right around the time he was about to claim the throne left vacant by Bruce Lee.
Crank up the metal and start working out
The thing about a breakup is that it stirs up a whole mess of emotions that makes your brain go WTF every other minute. The best solution is to make your body pay the price. Even if you’re not some bulked up jock with a nickname like “Moose,” there is a lot to gain from hardcore exercise. First, it’ll drag you away from stalking your ex on Facebook. Don’t like the weights? Start running! Don’t like to run? Get down and do your push-ups! It’s all about getting out that aggression and there’s no better soundtrack than speed-laced guitars with some half-werewolf/half zombie screaming at the top of his lungs. Before you know it you’ll be so jacked up they’ll have to name an AXE Body Spray after you.
Write a song about her
I know, I know. Sappy. BUT…some of the greatest songs in history have been breakup songs. And some of you might have read this entire post and thought, “What if I just wanna try to win her back?” Well, here ya go Casanova. Pen the tune that’ll make her swoon. Just be sure to include all the great things about her and leave out the daydream you had of her getting eaten by an angry rhino the day she broke up with you.
What do you do after a breakup?