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Kanye West Is DEFINITELY a Popstar Moonlighting as a Superhero

Kanye West Is DEFINITELY a Popstar Moonlighting as a Superhero

By Brandon Specktor

With your loyal support and the help of a lovable fact-finding gerbil named Optimus Prime (no relation), we at the MindHut's elite Supernatural Rubbish Division have successfully dished up the dirt on the most dangerous superhumans controlling pop-stardom today. From Weezy and Gaga to Deadmau5 and Nicki "Ima eat your face with a fine array of imported syrups" Minaj, we're puttin' the freaks on blast. Now, we feel we've built (see also: fabricated) a strong enough case on the biggest, most dangerous personality at large to bring him down once and for all.

We're talkin Kanye.

That's right. Beat-dropping, ballet-watching, Tay-Swift-interrupting Kanye Omari West has cultivated more wealth and influence than anyone in the modern hip-hop/ supernatural warrior game, and it's about time we paid him some attention. Nobody gives Kanye enough attention, you know?

Before we delve into yet another 100% factual, definitely-going-to-be-on-the-midterm celebrity dossier, take a minute to browse this rare footage taken from inside Kanye's own super-terranian pandemonium pleasure palace. West, deranged mastermind that he is, reads our very minds: no one man should have all that power.


Subject
Kanye Omari West

Known Aliases
Kanye West
Kanye
Kañe del Oeste (en Méjico)
Yeezy
Ye'
Y' (pronounced, in one quick exhale, hyuhh!!)
Yorro
Yo-Yo
Yesus Christ
Yulius Yaesar
I Can Has Yeeseburger?
Yes We Kan!
The Pharaoh (pyramids soon to come)
The Interjector
The Weeping Jester
King Tutankanyemun
Lil' Smuggy
'Ol Smuggy
Middle-aged Smuggy
He Who Hears Only Auto-Tune
He Who's Gonna Let You Finish, But…
He Who—Hey, Aren't You P. Diddy?
Barrack Obama (unconfirmed)

Affiliation
Driven chiefly by financial gain and frequently seen conspiring with Lil' Wayne's Young Money Militia, West's behavior can be characterized as mostly evil—though he kinda hates himself for it.

Despite this, West has been explicit about his aspirations for world domination via the mass-communication power of Twitter. He has taken credit for some of the most volatile uprisings of 2011, demanded a cache of deadly weapons, and recently issued a call to the world's most fearsome super-scientists, possibly to construct some sort of unbreakable diamond saber or mechanical liger. Probably both.

Origin
West was aware of his powers from a young age, trained in the shadow of a wise and respected Jedi named Qui-Gon Jay-Z. His powers grew rapidly (some say too rapidly) and the young rapper showed much promise. When his mother, Dr. Donda West, was murdered by Tuskan Raiders, Kanye lost his cool and spiraled into manic depression. He produced  his most memorable albums during this period, but also made a noticeable turn to evil. Patterns of wrong-doing and extreme remorse have been West's legacy ever since, peaking perhaps in 2009 when West notoriously fought through Taylor Swift's entourage of 88 Swift Samurai to steal the microphone from her at the Video Music Awards. West was violently ejected form the building, and later seen sulking on a nearby street curb, quietly weeping and eating a whole thing of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey.

Powers and Abilities

-All that power.

-A Saiyan-like ability to grow only stronger from every deadly encounter.

-Super tune-out abilities, able to entirely ignore all but the wealthiest voices.

-Super ego

-West's wealth and celebrity provides him great influence in the world of hip-hop based supervillainy. Throughout his long and dastardly career West has enlisted the aid of cronies including Dwayne Michael Carter Jr. (known supervillain Weezy), Onika Tanya Maraj (noted psychopath Nicki Minaj), members of the Wu Tang yakuza, and even humble Wisconsin werewolf Bon Iver, to name a few. His influence now rivals that of even Qui Gon Jay-Z, and the two have begun the process of merging their fortunes and wicked souls into a two-headed, epilepsy-inducing behemoth called The Throne.

-West's ever-germinating entourage also includes a feral neon-wearing avatar named Dropout Bear whose specialty is infiltrating and terrorizing children's dreams, and a naked phoenix girlfriend whom he controls by dropping beats. We should all be so lucky.

Weaknesses

-After years of standing in cacophonous studios and in front of radiation-spilling stadium speakers, West is a little hard of hearing. Perhaps a sneak attack is the best approach to overtaking him…

-Kanye also suffers from acute paranoia that all he has acquired will vanished, and is often seen obsessively watching the throne.

If West's will is fulfilled, Who will survive in America?!?

What else about Kanye? Bring him down!

Tags: superheroes, music, kanye west, world domination, rap music, new world order

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About the Author
Brandon Specktor

For 22 years, Brandon was a fat kid living in Tucson, AZ, which gave him lots and lots of time to write. He now works at a magazine in New York City, but still loves writing almost as much as he loves muffins.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.