This weekend Dr. Seuess' The Lorax opened in theaters and crazy people's imaginations all over the world. Like other recent film adaptations of the Doc's madcap mind, The Lorax expands the world of the classic picture book, taking us to a treeless mechano-metropolis called Thneedville wherein a dude (Zac Efron) tries to impress a chick (Taylor Swift) by seeking a forbidden tree from a crazy old man (Ed Helms). It's kind of like Paradise Lost, actually, but with no Satan and better songs.
Instead of getting one of our grumbling, disenchanted manchild writers to review the film, we decided to do you one better and seek a real expert's opinion. Several hours of phone tag and a few tedious fetch quests later (can you believe one publicist wouldn't help us until we brought her a red fish AND a blue fish?), we got the Lorax himself on Skype for a video review. Unfortunately, an intern deleted the conversation (and was summarily set upon by angry turtles), but not before transcribing Granddaddy Tree-Speaker's critique in full.
Us: So, what'd you think of the movie?
L: I am the Lorax! I critique for the trees!
And they'd like me to set some things straight, if you please.
There's a new movie just opened in which I'm depicted,
Where apparently by marshmallows my gut is afflicted.
Now I never got why you all imagined me fat;
Life's not easy sustained on pure Truffula sap!
Even Seuss got it wrong, Doctor Sleazy McSlick
*Sigh* Anyway. Let's get back to the flick.
The honor of my role goes to Danny DeVito,
A man squat and plump as a streetcart burrito.
He pulls off the 'tude with Loraxian flair,
Though I wish more could be said for his weak mustache hair.
That's a joke! Tee hee hee! The film is CG!
Which is great if you suffer from acute ADD.
There's more color and doo-dads than a Whoville parade
And it may be the most gorgeous thing men ever made
(Though still not so gorgeous as a single tall tree;
Did I mention I speak for them? I did? Whoops, my B.)
Ed Helms, twice the Once-Ler—first old, and then young
Does a fine job of turning my forest to dung.
Though despite sweet befuddlement (and mean shred guitar)
I don't quite buy an empire by Andy Bernard.
If you knew the real Once-Ler, you'd know he's a sort
of cross between Kanye and Lord Voldemort;
A glutton of greed, a consumerist Grinch,
A man who would tax you to Tumblr per inch.
Well, at least when I knew him he was a real jerk;
I hear that Walmart put the dude out of work.
Anyway, back to voices. Let's talk about Tay!
Miss Swift is a darling, and that's not just my say;
I speak for the trees—they agree, she is fine.
If only the script gave her all Efron's lines.
And that gets to my big thing, my one true complaint
That the hero's sole motive was some chick who could paint.
He didn't care about trees or the planet's demise,
Or the jerks who resold us the air from our skies,
Or the plight of the Swomee Swans or poor Bar-Ba-Loots;
All that he wanted was a big T-Swift smooch.
Now again, understandable, the trees wont deny
the magic appeal you girls have on us guys.
But why couldn't Tay seek a tree for herself
Instead of staying some trophy on Zac Efron's shelf?
Why did the one girl who gave a Who's rump
about saving the earth get stuck with the stumps?
Don't get me wrong, at least there was change
And life in old Thneedville was kind of sustained.
But in this world we inhabit I often get scared
That those who care do not act and those who act do not care.
So at least go recycle those neat 3D glasses,
'Cause the Lorax is back, and he's gonna kick all your (connection lost)
Did you like The Lorax?