1) Where the Wild Things Are
We are well aware that this book has already been made into a movie. But that movie focused on the beauty and the fragile nature of childhood, which is barf, and doesn’t make for a very compelling action flick. This new movie would focus more on the “gnashing of teeth,” “the roaring of terrible roars,” and just the general havoc-wreaking-horror that could only come from the hands of giant mischievous monsters.
The fun would really begin when Max, a small, demonic boy, arrives at the island and declares himself leader of this gang of blood-thirsty gargantuan brutes, taking them back home with him so he can punish any and all of those that wish for him to eat his vegetables. Can humanity handle this wild rumpus? There’s only one way to find out…
Gary Busey, Nick Nolte and Roseanne Barr as the Wild Things
Peter Dinklage as Max
2) Yertle The Turtle
Yurtle is a turtle with a grand vision. What kind of vision, you ask? Oh nothing much, he just wants to rule the world while on top of the biggest stack of turtles ever made! Evil has a new name, and that name rhymes with Turtle (and lurtle, mertle, sturtle, shurtle and other nonsensical words).
Played by Gary Oldman, Yurtle and his army of goose-stepping reptiles travel from turtle village to turtle village and turtle torture the hell out of anyone who dares stand in their way.
But there’s just one problem that Yurtle didn’t take into account. Actually, four problems. And each one of those four problems happens to be an expert in karate, pizza eating, and sewer living. That’s right, this summer Yurtle the Turtle will battle the greatest quartet of teenage turtles ever known to man.*
*May have not happened in the actual book.
3) Hop On Pop
Some people just want to watch the world burn. Other people just want to endlessly jump on members of their immediate family without facing any sort of repercussions.
Daniel Day Lewis finds this out the hard way, as Pop, when he dares to try to put his kids to bed early. Will he find a way to put an end to this hopping savagery, or will he let his leaping offspring destroy him emotionally, physically and financially? (Because you can’t go to work if people are constantly jumping on you, you would get fired.) Find out soon, in a theater near you!
4) The Very Hungry Caterpillar
This mother f***ing caterpillar is hungry… for the taste of human flesh. That’s right, this summer a certain fuzzy insect will be on the hunt for you and everyone you love (twist: the caterpillar is now twenty times bigger than the average human). Trust us, it’s gonna be a long day in the Big Apple (another twist: This story now takes in New York City) when this caterpillar starts eating his way to its core.
5) Are You My Mother?
There is a little bird in the forest, and he has a question he needs answered. He does not have the right answer yet, but what he does have is a particular set of skills that he has acquired over a very long search. Skills that make him a nightmare for anyone in the forest who dares to not be his mother.
Liam Neeson is Little Bird, a lonely soul lost in a frightening world. In front of him, lies the truth, behind him, lies a trail of dead bodies and wrong answers.
6) The Giving Tree
For its entire life, the Giving Tree has eagerly given out everything it ever had in the name of love. Now, the tree is barely even a shadow of its former self thanks to the selfish nature of humans. This means only one thing, this summer The Giving Tree will give the last gift it is capable of giving: The sweet gift of justice! One little boy is going to learn the hard way that sometimes it is better to give than receive: Especially if the choice is between giving a little thanks once in awhile, or receiving the ass kicking of a lifetime.
7) Everybody Poops
A nefarious villain has dumped gallons of Ex Lax into a small town’s water supply. Now the town is in danger of being wiped off the face of the earth by the grossest avalanche of all time, unless one off-duty cop can figure out how to take down this madman and his dreams of fecal domination.
This Fall (Oscar season), Detective John McClane needs to stop the number one threat to his town, or prepare for a mountain of number two.
Bruce Willis as John McClane,
Denzel Washington as the villain,
and Simon Cowell as the poop that everyone poops.
Did we miss any?